3. Meet Angie at Emotional Baggage Claim
Angie shares a traumatic event that happened to her shortly after beginning her new life in Canada with her parents. We discuss how the coping mechanisms we develop as children to repress trauma can develop into toxic behaviours later in life.
**Content warning: suicide.
Highlights:
Reliance on alcohol to numb emotional pain
Kristy can do math
When young Angie decided to walk into traffic
The loneliness of emigrating to a new country
Takeaways:
Try more than one counsellor or therapist
Our learned behaviours from a young age can turn problematic in adulthood, and therapists can help us understand and manage these behaviours
Allow self-compassion and allow yourself to grieve the loss of a former life or routine
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Got a topic you want us to chat about? Have a question about mental health or adulting as an Asian American? Let us know!
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Transcript
HEADS UP: We use AI to help us transcribe so we can spend more time on the podcast. The transcription is not perfect. Please forgive any typos. They can be pretty funny though.
Episode 3 - Meet Angie At Baggage Claim
[00:00:00] Kristy Yee: Welcome back. Okay, so Ange last episode we talked to all about my shit. So obviously we now have to talk about your shit,
[00:00:34] Angie Yu: right?
[00:00:36] my story doesn't exactly follow a linear progression, which is I think, very common for a lot of mental health journeys.
[00:00:42] It started when I was around 10 or 11 but I wasn't clinically diagnosed until earlier this year So I ended up taking a break from work
[00:00:51] Kristy Yee: hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. 10 to 29 is like a long ass time. There's this, there's like this huge, it's like the whole gener-fucking-ration
[00:01:02] Angie Yu: basically. I mean, that's a whole adult, right? That's 19 years. Yeah. It's a really long time.
[00:01:08] Kristy Yee: So what happened at that time? What happens in between and like what's happening now?
[00:01:13] Angie Yu: I'll give you a brief overview and work it backwards. Okay. so like I I took a break from work and started my treatment back in February, right before the pandemic rolled out here in North America. so I took, yeah. So I took a break from work to manage my symptoms and to really understand my illness so that I can manage it for the long term.
[00:01:32] so this is recent. my diagnosis is very recent. there was so much repression that by the time I did get diagnosed, I was exhibiting a lot of severe symptoms and I was suicidal. I got lucky because before things got really, really bad, the therapist that I reached out to last year had a spot open on her waitlist.
[00:01:50] So it really came at a good time for me.
[00:01:53] Kristy Yee: Okay. But something must have happened for you to realize that hey I I should probably see a therapist like to even get on that wait list.
[00:02:04] Angie Yu: Right, right, right. Yeah. So the trigger for me was actually the end of a relationship that lasted nearly six years, which came to a really abrupt and very ugly ending. it felt like my whole life had come crashing down on me and this life that I had been building for the last almost six years, basically vanished overnight. that was the main trigger, and that was what broke my back.
[00:02:31] Kristy Yee: that's traumatizing.
[00:02:32] Angie Yu: It was. I do feel like I have grown up a lot from it, and, if I tried to look at it from a positive, positive perspective, it's that even though this thing happened and it was very unfortunate. It did force me to seek help because, you know, it, to a lot of people who don't know me as well, it might seem like the breakup had caused my depression, but it's actually the other way around. I had been depressed for quite some time already, but I didn't know what it was.
[00:03:00] I started seeing a counselor after the breakup. But it wasn't very successful. I went to about five sessions. but I was putting on a front the whole time, so, yeah, exactly. I was not letting classic avoidance behavior. I was not,
[00:03:13] Kristy Yee: cause nobody does that. Nobody puts on a front where they first meet a stranger and then spill out their guts.
[00:03:20] Angie Yu: right. So I mean. Yeah, it was, it was, I think I wasn't really emotionally ready. And, I was also just kind of manic as well.
[00:03:26] Kristy Yee: What's manic?
[00:03:28] Angie Yu: I mean, I wasn't fully manic. I was hypomanic, which is less intense than full mania.
[00:03:34] Kristy Yee: I don't know what any of those means.
[00:03:35] Angie Yu: So manic syndrome or mania is a state of abnormally elevated arousal and energy level.
[00:03:44] So it's kind of seen as the opposite of depression. and it's a period of really heightened mood, and the mood can be really euphoric or really irritable.
[00:03:54] Kristy Yee: So it's like this high then abnormal high that you're always in.
[00:03:58] Angie Yu: yeah, exactly. I felt like I was high on something, but
[00:04:03] Kristy Yee: like it wasn't a substance. It was because of something else. Right. Because of
[00:04:06] Angie Yu: chemicals in my brain. I just felt high.
[00:04:10] Kristy Yee: And is this all the time and then how did, how did you know that you were manic.
[00:04:15] Angie Yu: Oh, I didn't when I was manic, I had no idea what it was. during this period I was really impulsive decisions. I was drinking a lot. I was doing drugs, and I had like, just so much energy. I was barely sleeping.
[00:04:22] I didn't pay my bills on time. Yeah. And, and even though these might be very common behaviors, other people might exhibit, it wasn't who I was. And I think that's the biggest, kind of signal is when you're doing things that you don't normally do. And I think the biggest thing for me is I lost sleeping and I wasn't sleeping.
[00:04:40] Like I just didn't need to sleep. I just had so much energy
[00:04:43] Kristy Yee: cause you were so high all the time.
[00:04:45] Angie Yu: But I had wanted to do stuff. I just wanted to do stuff and I had no idea where the energy came from. But I would get like three hours of sleep and I would wake up feeling euphoric.
[00:04:56] Kristy Yee: Okay. People out there are going to really want drugs to do shit like that.
[00:05:02] I cannot function.
[00:05:04] Angie Yu: I know. I know. Some people being like, what are you on? I'm like, I don't know. Nothing life?
[00:05:09] Kristy Yee: High on life,
[00:05:10] Angie Yu: but I was manic
[00:05:12] Kristy Yee: right now, the way we're describing it, it sounds like the state of euphoria, which we did use that term, and it sounds like, Whoa, this is, that is the shit. You know, like we want to be at that state all the time, but underlyingly.
[00:05:25] It sounds like it's something else that's going on that was causing the mania.
[00:05:29] Angie Yu: It's almost like your body's last release, all the endorphins, all the good, whatever, serotonin, like last release of all the happy chemicals before it dives into deep depression.
[00:05:41] Kristy Yee: Like a last hurrah.
[00:05:42] Angie Yu: Exactly. Which is exactly what happened and I don't, I don't know if that's the way it works, but that's how I felt.
[00:05:47] Kristy Yee: We're not professionals
[00:05:52] Angie Yu: my experience like you don't like when you have, let's say you have a really long day and you're still like, you're so tired, but then you get this random burst of energy before you pass out a home.
[00:06:01] Kristy Yee: Sure. I'm sure somebody out there relates.
[00:06:06] Angie Yu: It was basically like that, but except instead of an hour of energy, it was weeks of energy.
[00:06:11] Kristy Yee: that was okay. I'm just trying to imagine. I'm like, that seems super. You didn't know. If you didn't know what was happening and you didn't know what was going to happen next. Life is so great. Let me just ride this high and drink all the drugs,
[00:06:28] drink all the drinks, and do all the drugs. Y'all know what I mean? okay, so then what happened next?
[00:06:36] Angie Yu: Well, the high went away. Because, and I didn't even know what the source of the high was, but I didn't want it to go away, so I just started drinking. Yeah. Like during the high period, I wasn't even drinking that much.
[00:06:49] Kristy Yee: Oh.
[00:06:49] Angie Yu: I was like socially drinking, like having two or three drinks every time I'm out with friends and also I was going out with friends all the fucking time, like every single day. And thinking back and I'm like, how did I even have the energy to do that? I'm exhausted a lot. I'm exhausted.
[00:07:08] But of course, when all that burst, all those like happy chemicals, like went away. I really wanted to keep up that high, but I couldn't. So I just started drinking every weekend and I was
[00:07:17] blacking out every single weekend
[00:07:19] Kristy Yee: Jesus shit
[00:07:20] Angie Yu: for like a good two months or so.
[00:07:22] Kristy Yee: I'm like staring at Angie right now because I'm like your liver.
[00:07:26] Angie Yu: My liver but you know, I'm not that kind of person. No, I'm not normally like that.
[00:07:26] Kristy Yee: No, not at all. So it really is just out of character for you.
[00:07:26] Angie Yu: It was very out of character for me. And, It was kind of the easiest way to not feel the way I was feeling and it was kind of the easiest way to take a break from my brain.
[00:07:37] the scariest thing was when I was drinking a lot. when I hit that, you know, when you hit that moment at the end of the night when you're kind of starting to sober up, normally you just feel like shit and you just want to eat right. For me, I could physically feel all the pain just rushing back into my body and I would start crying uncontrollably.
[00:07:58] And all the thoughts would just all of a sudden rush back into my head and my mind would just feel like it's buzzing.
[00:08:06] Kristy Yee: That sounds fucking overwhelming.
[00:08:08] Angie Yu: It was so overwhelming. Like I just remember every single time it happened, I was just, I would either just be numb by what was going on, or I would just burst out crying.
[00:08:18] Kristy Yee: Do you think that part of all that high and like doing all that stuff that you, that isn't in character for you, is that like some sort of a coping mechanism or,
[00:08:29] Angie Yu: I think it was, I think it was, it was like the two decades of pain that had built up and I had been. Repressing it for two decades and I was so good at repressing all the emotions that when something really traumatic happened to me emotionally, I just wasn't able to repress it anymore.
[00:08:47] I reached the limit of how much I could repress. I no longer had the strength to repress, so everything was coming back to me. And. I didn't know how to deal with it. And the only way I could deal with it when the euphoria was gone, was drinking. but every time I was sober, which was during the day when I was sobering up, I would just feel like shit.
[00:09:07] Like I felt like shit. So, I couldn't concentrate at work. also because I wasn't sleeping.
[00:09:11] Which is a huge deal as well. And also when you're not sleeping properly, it can also trigger depression as well. So it was just a mess. I was a mess.
[00:09:19] and I think people around me knew it. I think they knew I was kind of a mess, but they weren't sure how to help. They were just checking up on me, asking me if I'm okay. And I would always be like, Oh, I'm so good. I'm having so much fun. But you know, like. This kind of kept going until about Christmas break.
[00:09:38] And we had those few days kind of to ourselves and everyone was there with their family. So I wasn't socializing as much. And then I didn't have an outlet anymore. And I was like, okay, you know what? I can't keep doing this. I can't keep blacking out and I can't keep spending every single weekend, not at home.
[00:09:52] Exactly. So, so I had this resolution of not blacking out, which I'm like, you know what? That should be easy. I've never had trouble stopping a few drinks in. That's never been an issue. but it was like at that point,
[00:10:05] this was between the manic phase and the depression phase, kind of in the middle. If you see like a wave, right. So like on the top of the wave is. Being manic or hypomanic in my case, because manic is usually when you get psychotic breaks and stuff like that, but hypomanic like you reach the top and then you come down and then it's just like a huge drop into depression.
[00:10:26] So this was kind of during the drop. And I held all these distractions, which was, you know, socializing and drinking, et cetera, et cetera. so as I was coming down that. Roller coaster. I was like, okay, not going to have binge drink, but every single time I was presented with an opportunity to drink, I would tell myself I'm only having two drinks, but I wouldn't, I would just keep going and the next day I would reflect on it with my best friends and be like, what the fuck happened?
[00:10:48] So it's not like I was. Blind to it. I was very retrospective about it the next morning, but in the moment I couldn't stop because I knew that if I stopped, the pain would come back. I didn't want that pain.
[00:11:01] Kristy Yee: So it really is like a numbing.
[00:11:03] Angie Yu: It is a numbing. And it was probably like, in hindsight, I think this experience has really taught me how people develop addiction issues.
[00:11:10] And I can really see that addiction that is mental. It's a mental health issue. it's so much more complicated than what people think. fortunately I have a great support system, and people were kind of urging me to. I dunno. Take care of myself. Yeah. So, after I stopped going to counseling. I was like, you know what? things aren't really getting better. I'm going to reach out for help and see what else is out there because everyone told me you have to try more than one therapist. So, so in October, I put myself on a wait list and at the end of January, when things got really bad, when I was having suicidal thoughts.
[00:11:47] every single day. It was then that the therapist called me and was like, Hey, I have a spot that just opened up all my wait list. Would you like to start your sessions with me?
[00:11:57] Kristy Yee: let's just sit in this cause it blows my mind. It blows my mind. you mentioned that there was a lot of repression from the last Like decades, maybe not decades, but for years, for a long time. And you mentioned at the start of the story about. You know, being, it started when you were 10 years old or really, really young.
[00:12:20] So let's, let's go back to that. Let's go back like 10 year old, Angie, and tell me more about that.
[00:12:26] Angie Yu: Okay, so the origin story, I guess they wouldn't be two decades of repression, 19 years, right? Oh,
[00:12:36] they did 19 years. But of course, like. All during the 19 years, there was lot of goods. It was just, something happened when I was really young. I were pressed it and I never thought about it. And it kind of came back a few years ago. So, yeah. So back to that story, when I was 10, it was
[00:12:47] shortly after my family immigrated to Canada. So it was just my parents and I, it was a really hard time for both my parents and I, for myself personally, I went from being surrounded by my family. Like my extended family to being alone every day. you know, I was too young to take care of myself emotionally or even physically. And, I learned to repress as a survival tactic, which I learned in therapy.
[00:13:09] Kristy Yee: so like, I am going to repress it
[00:13:14] Angie Yu: like, when you're 10, you don't know what the hell you're doing. I didn't really have anybody to turn to, so I just. Kind of the repression is kind of like easiest way for someone to deal with confusing thoughts or confusing feelings.
[00:13:24] And so it kind of was adult. So basically it was already a very difficult time for me. at school I had this rivalry with this girl in my class. So her and I, always got the top grades, but I found out that her parents were doing her homework for her, so I was pissed.
[00:13:43] Kristy Yee: I'll be actually smart. Or was it just the parents?
[00:13:46] Angie Yu: you know what? I don't know. I
[00:13:48] Kristy Yee: guess that's not important.
[00:13:50] Angie Yu: It's probably not that important. The thing is, the thing with memory is like, we only remember our own versions, right?
[00:13:56] So I don't know what it was like from her perspective, but to me, you know, like nobody liked her at school.
[00:14:01] Kristy Yee: Like,
[00:14:03] Angie Yu: she wasn't condescending bitch. Okay. I don't know. I
[00:14:07] Kristy Yee: don't have to tell if they feel bad about her or if I'm like pissed because her parents has her homework and she's like, condescending bitch.
[00:14:12] Angie Yu: Yeah.
[00:14:13] I think I was, I was probably jealous. Because my parents didn't have time to help me with school and they were too busy trying to survive and trying to earn income and trying to learn English. something happened or she said something. So on MSN, I was like, blank is a bit.
[00:14:29] On my MSM status, so as your name, as my name, as like Angie, and then they straight line, straight line, and then people want to buy like, I dunno, like don't forget to breathe what I wrote. Blank is a bit,
[00:14:43] Kristy Yee: okay. First of all, no 10 year old is going to write. Don't forget to breathe.
[00:14:47] I can only remember in high school. Oh, I do remember my first Hotmail, yeah. My first Hotmail account is. like not little, but like a underscore.
[00:15:00] Oh yeah. No, no. 69
[00:15:03] Oh no. 69 I want it to be, you know, very
[00:15:06] Angie Yu: sophisticated in statistics, you know? Yeah.
[00:15:09] Kristy Yee: So like, no, 69 no, 600 fours, none of that. just little lucky angel. I wanted to keep it nice and simple and clean and sophisticated.
[00:15:17] Angie Yu: Mine was white tigers.
[00:15:20] Kristy Yee: Okay. That sounds a lot more bad.
[00:15:24] Angie Yu: And all the boys thought I was a boy. I didn't see that.
[00:15:29] Kristy Yee: Okay, so back to the
[00:15:33] Angie Yu: so I called this girl a bitch on MSN and somebody fucking snitched.
[00:15:39] Kristy Yee: Okay, so this girl didn't have you on MSN, like she didn't see it. Okay.
[00:15:43] Angie Yu: Okay. Got it. But somebody on my MSN snitched my ass. the next day I get to school and pulled into the principal's office and the Constable was there.
[00:15:55] Kristy Yee: Like police?
[00:15:56] Angie Yu: This was Mount pleasant before the gentrification.
[00:16:01] Oh God. Yeah.
[00:16:03] anyway, the Constable was looking at me, the principal is looking at me and he's like, do you know what the word bitch? Cause I was still ESL at the time. And I stare at him dead in the eyes. And I'm like, aha. It means. Female dogs
[00:16:20] like dead poker face. I didn't laugh. I just stared at him as I gave him the definition of,
[00:16:27] Kristy Yee: okay, as an adult
[00:16:28] Angie Yu: now, I'm really curious
[00:16:31] Kristy Yee: what they internally. was thinking at that time, like both the principal
[00:16:34] Angie Yu: and the Popo, they probably thought it was hilarious. That's what I'm going to, I'm going to pretend like they thought I was hilarious.
[00:16:41] the Constable was a little bit shocked. She was a woman, so she was low key marking
[00:16:46] Kristy Yee: and she was like, okay,
[00:16:47] Angie Yu: well. you know, that's not okay and then I got a lecture. I don't remember what they said, but I just remember thinking whatever, like Yolo, whatever. This is so stupid. classic repression. Right. And the Constable was trying to scare me. She threatened me with juvie. And I was so confused.
[00:17:02] Like , all I did was call this girl a bitch on MSN. Is that a crime? Well, I think they were talking about cyber bullying. This was 2002 kind of like on the rise. And I was confused because I didn't know what the context was. I only knew after the fact what had happened was there were, I mentioned she wasn't very well liked in school, but there were a bunch of girls in our class who wrote a hate email to her.
[00:17:25] Yeah. Kids are mean. but these girls wrote an email to her from an anonymous email address at the Vancouver public library. So they didn't know who it was. Okay. And the thing is I actually know who did it.
[00:17:40] So I'm thinking when I called her a bitch on MSN and somebody reported it, they probably thought it had something to do with the emails even though I didn't. And I think that's why the Constable was talking about cyber bullying and I was just sitting there super confused
[00:17:54] Kristy Yee: You weren't involved in the first incident, just the second one. Yeah. Okay, got
[00:18:01] Angie Yu: it. Yeah. I wasn't going to snitch, but I didn't even know that they were linking the two incidents together. Cause I don't think I thought that sophisticated back then.
[00:18:09] I didn't think about what they were thinking. I just knew what I knew. Right. So all I could do was like, yeah, I called her a bitch and I sound like I fully admitted it. and this kind of escalated. This whole situation, this rivalry with her, a few weeks later, as I was leaving school, I saw this girl's mom walking towards me in a Huff like protective mama
[00:18:29] Kristy Yee: she walked right up
[00:18:30] Angie Yu: to me and started yelling at me for pushing her daughter, and immediately I was like, what the fuck is going on? I didn't push her daughter.
[00:18:36] after that incident with the principal, I was like, fine. I'll be nicer to her. So if I see her in the hallway, I would give her a really snide hello.
[00:18:44] Kristy Yee: Oh my gosh, you are. So,
[00:18:46] Angie Yu: I never touched her and, and I would give her dirty loss, but I, I never even one close to her.
[00:18:53] Kristy Yee: But the mom is now storming up in front of you, claiming that.
[00:18:58] Angie Yu: Then I pushed her in gym class and I was trying to leave to go home, but then she grabbed me by my arm and tried to drag me to the principals and I tried to fight her off. but I couldn't. So eventually I was just like, I could walk by myself, let go of me, try to beat, talk tough , but I'm like a tiny 10 year old girl. Anyway, so we ended up going upstairs to the classroom and I remember the scene really clearly, we were sat in a circle. my teacher, me the girl and her mom in these tiny elementary school chairs, it's like, you know, the small ones.
[00:19:27] So we have these two little girls and two adults, and.
[00:19:31] Kristy Yee: I was
[00:19:31] Angie Yu: trying to explain to the teacher that like, Hey, I never went near her. Yeah. Like I don't like her, and I have given her dirty loves and I've said hello to her, but I've never touched her. as I'm explaining my thought of the story, her mom just cuts me off and she starts lecturing me and pointing her fingers at me.
[00:19:46] and then she just thanks back into her chair. Crosses her arm and smarts at me. Smirks. Yeah and I remember that so clearly because I'm like,
[00:19:53] why aren't you acting like an adult , first you grabbed me and you argue with me and then you smirk at me like, who are you? But also it makes a lot of sense why her daughter is also not very well behaved socially. this mom comes to the school all the time. She's always harassing the teachers she's one of those like helicopter moms.
[00:20:13] Like nobody can confirm or corroborate her story. So I didn't get in trouble because it was their words versus my words if somebody saw me pushing her, I could be expelled.
[00:20:23] I could be suspended, but there was zero evidence. So it was just their words against my, and I was a good student and I'm a mouthy.
[00:20:34] There's no black
[00:20:35] Kristy Yee: and white in the world. There's no good guys or bad,
[00:20:40] Angie Yu: they have these characters. But I did become really bitter towards The teachers at school
[00:20:47] Kristy Yee: cause I don't like, like from my childhood story.
[00:20:50] Angie Yu: And as a kid you're just, you hate adults. That's why like in movies there's why ain't novels where adults don't really exist when they're evil?
[00:20:56] Kristy Yee: this is not a theme I was expecting, just like fucking hating on adults.
[00:21:03] Angie Yu: And
[00:21:03] Kristy Yee: now we're adults. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, I'm like empathizing with the kid because, you know, like we've, we've all been kids ourselves, right?
[00:21:09] Angie Yu: I,
[00:21:09] Kristy Yee: I've been bullied before, so, and I feel for this girl.
[00:21:13] and then I've also been the bully, and then, you know. Story. You've been the bully, but then you were also a victim as well because you were being blamed for something that you did not do.
[00:21:23] Angie Yu: what is that word? I was indirectly being blamed for it. What other bullies did I was being accused of doing something that I didn't do just because I'm now, I'm very direct. That's something I would never do. And I think I hated being thought of that way. But you know, like
[00:21:37] it was just this thing that it was just so annoying and I didn't want to deal with it.
[00:21:41] and I think I just had a lot going on anyway. Like I, I never really quite processed moving away from home, and grieving a life that I no longer had. Right. Because when, when your parents decide to move halfway across the world, you don't really get to grieve. that life you've lost.
[00:21:58] Like you're no longer a part of a family. You no longer see your grandparents every day. you're now all of a sudden surrounded by strangers, but because it's supposed to be a good thing that we moved for a better. shot at life Nobody really grieves the move. And I think for me, I really struggle with it, but I didn't know that I was struggling with it.
[00:22:16] Kristy Yee: Well, first of all, you were 10 probably. mean, at least me when I was 10 I don't, I don't know what the word grieves meant. I think also. Coming to Canada, at least from what I understand of Chinese culture, it's something to be celebrated exactly. Like it's like, Whoa, you know, this family made it. They needed to the other side to do North America, and you really don't think about all the things that you've lost because you're so busy working to try to gain something.
[00:22:41] Angie Yu: Exactly. And the thing is because so many people were excited for me before we moved and so many people like, Oh my God, I can't believe you get to move to North America. I heard the streets are so clean and the air is so clean, the sky is so blue and they just make everything sound so wonderful.
[00:22:57] But then I move here. I'm living in this dingy apartment and I can't leave the apartment because I'm nine and my parents are out working and. Study English, and I'm not allowed to let anybody know I'm home alone because that's illegal. And if somebody finds out, then I'm going to get taken away from my parents.
[00:23:11] So it was it was so bleak. compared to what everyone had prepared me for.
[00:23:17] Kristy Yee: It was like this fantasy land back in China. Obviously the world doesn't work
[00:23:21] Angie Yu: like, no, it doesn't.
[00:23:22] Kristy Yee: And so when reality hits you in the face at fucking 10 years old, and you. No, no friends, no family around with you in this strange land.
[00:23:30] And then learning a new language and like all this other shit that's going on in school.
[00:23:35] Angie Yu: it was a very hard time for me and it was a very hard time for me to watch. My parents struggle because everyone sees their parents as indestructible. But you know, my mom would cry in the bathroom to prevent me from hearing her.
[00:23:47] Like she would turn on the shower, so I can't hear her cry My parents were fighting all the time, it was like, Hey, I'm supposed to be happy about this, but I'm not. I actually hated it, but I never processed that properly because I was nine when we moved here, I was 10 when the thing happened.
[00:24:01] you don't know how to deal with that. And. like, I don't really know what was going on in my mind, but, one day, like in grade six, I was doing kitchen duty, which is child labor is, you remember right? Yeah.
[00:24:13] Kristy Yee: I loved it. I thought it was like all the toast
[00:24:16] Angie Yu: I was spraying the lunch trays. and one of the teachers came up to me. I don't even remember who this teacher was. It was a male teacher. He was never my teacher. But somehow he got involved. He comes up to me and asked me why I shoulder checked this girl the same girl. isn't that just something out of a movie?
[00:24:32] Kristy Yee: I mean, that's totally how I imagined it. Right. You said shoulder tag isn't fucking driving. Okay. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Let's go back. Let's take it back a notch and like, okay, what would that mean with like two preteen girls?
[00:24:46] Okay. That means like walking down the hallway and like ramming shoulder to shoulder on purpose,
[00:24:52] Angie Yu: and I'm like, what does, like, I don't even know, like, what the hell are you talking about? I didn't say that to the teacher. Of course, I'm just like staring at him blankly and he starts lecturing me and I'm like, well fuck, like I didn't do anything.
[00:25:03] And then he was trying to like drag me to the principal's office again, not physically. Of course, like teachers didn't do that, but he was just like, you need to come to the principal's office. We need to talk about this and we need to resolve this and I was just like, I didn't. Do anything and I was getting so pissed and I didn't know what to do because this was already like the end time when I never even physically touched her.
[00:25:22] So I threw the tray down cause I was holding one of the trays. literally mashed it against the floor and just stormed out of the cafeteria. Storms straight through the playground and strong to right out of the school gate. And the thing is we had supervisors to make sure nobody was leaving and nobody was coming in during school hours.
[00:25:40] So it was a really big deal that I was already walking out of the school gate. So as they rush out of the school gate, everyone ran up to the fences And. I just walked straight onto the street and walked in front of a moving car.
[00:25:50] Kristy Yee: In that moment of feeling so enraged, throwing down his face, storming out, knowing everyone's watching, and then you go straight into the road moving vehicle coming. What was going through your mind?
[00:26:03] Angie Yu: I don't remember. Like, I don't know what I was thinking. I just didn't want to deal with this.
[00:26:08] And this was not the first time I walked out of school. I did it once in China as well. When a teacher was hitting a student, I got so mad. I flipped my table and I walked out the school, but I didn't do anything. Like I didn't do anything that was self harm, but I think this time was different. It was something that was happening to me and I didn't know what to do.
[00:26:27] I had no plans. It was completely impulsive. Just walked onto the street and in front of a moving car. And, you know, I'm okay. Nothing happened.
[00:26:36] Kristy Yee: thank fucks. But that's some dark ass shit for like a 10 year old, 11 year old.
[00:26:41] Angie Yu: Yeah. It was really dark and it was really frightening.
[00:26:45] And what's even worse was what happened afterwards. So what happened afterwards? Okay, well, nothing happened because one, it was a small street and it was a school zone, so the car was going super slow anyway.
[00:27:04] , the car had time to go around me and I kind of just stood there I look back at the school, I turned my head over and I see all the kids with their faces and hands pressed up against the fence and they all burst out laughing.
[00:27:20] Kristy Yee: I don't even know what to say right now.
[00:27:28] Angie Yu: That's okay.
[00:27:29] Kristy Yee: Fucking assholes. So they just like, Oh,
[00:27:35] Angie Yu: well, I think, I think in a lot of tense and awkward situations, people default to laughing.
[00:27:43] Kristy Yee: I guess.
[00:27:44] Angie Yu: I mean, I was of course in the moment humiliating. It was humiliating in the moment and I stood there for an extra while because I had no idea what to do.
[00:27:52] And then more cars came and went around me and I'm just like, fuck, like this is now just become completely and utterly humiliating. And I was so embarrassed. but I walked back into the school and pretend like nothing happened.
[00:28:03] Kristy Yee: So I'm having a lot right now. I'm just listening to the story, like, I'm angry for you and then I am also feeling so embarrassed at the same time because I could just imagine, I'm just trying to put myself back into my old 10 year old and. What people thought of me. Okay. I'm just talking about myself, like what people thought of me is a huge deal and what they thought of me like that is probably the biggest deal there is
[00:28:31] because this, these are all the people that I know in my life, right?
[00:28:33] Like that's my community. And then people aren't already believing me anyways, and then this incident happens, and then now everyone's laughing at me.
[00:28:41] Angie Yu: I wasn't upset at the fact that the teachers were accusing me. I was upset at the fact that they took her word and not my word.
[00:28:47] Kristy Yee: Yeah. Cause that's fucking,
[00:28:49] Angie Yu: why is that? Why? Because she can speak fluent English. Like she could probably explain herself better, obviously now when I explained what happened, I'm telling you if I'm a perspective of what I remember and I can really explain myself properly because I'm older and my grasp of the language is better.
[00:29:04] But at the time my English was not that good. I was still an ESL student, so she was probably able to say things that I wasn't able to.
[00:29:11]
[00:29:11] Angie Yu: I was the only Chinese girl from China in my class at the time. Like, I didn't, there were other Chinese girls in other classes, but not in my particular class.
[00:29:20] so afterwards
[00:29:21] it was really awkward. I went to class, but then I was pulled out of class right away.
[00:29:27] and I was put in a quote unquote special ESL lesson. they gave me a few handouts and was like , here's some worksheets. Work through them, and then they left me there in an empty classroom while the entire school had a fucking assembly about what just happened.
[00:29:42] Kristy Yee: wait to fucking isolate
[00:29:44] you first of all, like after such a traumatic experience for, I'm sure a lot of people, and that's why they're having the assembly. Understandably so. Good for them, for addressing it right away, but also they left you alone.
[00:29:58] Angie Yu: I was an afterthought for sure.
[00:30:00] Kristy Yee: You just went through a fucking traumatic experience and they just left you. This is what I'm baffled about right now.
[00:30:07] Angie Yu: I was definitely an afterthought to the school, and
[00:30:16] Kristy Yee: this was all in one day. It was all in like one fucking hour.
[00:30:19] Angie Yu: Yeah. This was all in one.
[00:30:25] yeah. it was, it was really weird. when they did come back to me, I did the worksheets. It's not like they went through the worst. She was clearly just the way to distract me while they had an assembly about me. and then I was brought to the school counselor
[00:30:41] and there was this woman who was a bit older.
[00:30:43] And I think she just didn't know how to handle the situation, and she asked me why I did what I did, and I explained to her I was angry and she asked me how I felt. I don't know what I said. the conversation went on for a while. I had. Do not remember, cause I remember visuals more. That's just how my memory works.
[00:31:03] Kristy Yee: it seemed like, okay, so this is very biased cause I'm listening to your side of the story, but it seems like all the adults in this school is just like not listening to you, not giving you the time of day and full on painting us as big bully.
[00:31:17] Angie Yu: I think when it was just teachers back then were not equipped to deal with, you know, brand new immigrants and they weren't equipped to deal with mental health issues, like they just did not have. The resources available to them. I don't think they're bad people.
[00:31:33] Kristy Yee: No, that's not what, I'm just kidding.
[00:31:35] Angie Yu: But as a child, I was like, fuck, fuck these adults.
[00:31:38] Kristy Yee: Exactly.
[00:31:40] Angie Yu: As a child, I was like, fuck this shit. Like,
[00:31:43] Kristy Yee: and then there's like this,
[00:31:53] but it's just in that moment, there's all these disappointing adults, and then there's now this counselor who at least is showing, even if she doesn't know what she was doing.
[00:32:00] Angie Yu: Yeah.
[00:32:01] Kristy Yee: Showing some level of concern for this child who just fucking walked out onto the streets.
[00:32:07] Angie Yu: She was concerned. I think my teacher, my own teacher was concerned too. I think she liked me, but I think the whole situation was just difficult to deal with. And yeah, they didn't know what to do with me, but the counselor was like.
[00:32:19] what is your parents' information? I have to call them like, I don't think, like they didn't have my parents' information back then. are they supposed to do
[00:32:26] Kristy Yee: that? Like in school?
[00:32:29] Angie Yu: I just remember her saying like, well, I'm going to have to tell your parents, and up until that point, I hadn't cried at all.
[00:32:38] Like I was angry and I was upset, but I had never cried. I don't even remember if I cried since coming to Canada. Up until that point, I think I was just running on a lot of confusion and avoidant behavior. but that was the first time I remember him crying. Like I just broke down I'm like, please don't tell my parents please don't like at one point I was on the floor like, please do not tell my parents.
[00:33:02] I was literally begging the counselor to not tell my parents and she was like, why can't I tell your parents? And I'm like, they have so much going on. They're trying to rebuild our life here they are going to night classes. They are barely home. I just want them to not have to worry about me.
[00:33:22] I didn't want to burden them.
[00:33:27] Yeah.
[00:33:28] Kristy Yee: So then what happened? What did she do?
[00:33:31] Angie Yu: I don't know.
[00:33:35] Kristy Yee: Like, we don't know if the counselor has told
[00:33:38] Angie Yu: no. Her parents. I don't know. My parents and I have never talked about it.
[00:33:42] Kristy Yee: Yeah. Oh my God. That's a story.
[00:33:50] Angie Yu: It's a story. It is a
[00:33:52] Kristy Yee: fucked up childhood.
[00:33:54] Angie Yu: They're not the best. they're not hallmark childhoods. They are our childhoods.
[00:34:00] Okay. We'll call a spade a spade. We had pretty fucked up childhoods.
[00:34:08] Alright, fine. If you want me to admit it, I will admit we didn't have such a nice,
[00:34:14] Kristy Yee: it was fucked.
[00:34:15] Angie Yu: It had its moments,
[00:34:16] Kristy Yee: so going back to earlier, you emphasized a few times that you had repressed. This specific incident, how did you know that you had repressed it?
[00:34:25] Angie Yu: Why did it until it came back up?
[00:34:29] Kristy Yee: So during the time before it came back up, was it like, you just had no memory of this?
[00:34:35] Angie Yu: It's hard to describe it because when you see repressed memories, like on TV or in movies, you feel like little flashbacks. Yeah. I wouldn't say I got flashbacks of them, but if somebody mentioned something where it would kind of trigger that memory, I would like remember that I did something bad, but I couldn't quite, I wouldn't think about it.
[00:34:56] Kristy Yee: how did it come back up? that was a very colorful picture and it doesn't sound like that. That was, it wasn't always like that because you had repressed it, right? So you remember having had done something bad in your childhood, don't really know what it was and didn't really think too much about it, and then just kind of move on.
[00:35:12] So when did it come back? Like full picture motion, motion picture
[00:35:17] Angie Yu: okay. Well this is another story as well, but basically I had this friend of mine that I met during a very important time of my life, and we became quite close. He's from originally some trial. We were both interns, and yeah, he was a significant person during a significant time of my life, three years ago I got the terrible news that he had taken his own life. He was found in his dormitory at Harvard.
[00:35:45] Kristy Yee: Jesus.
[00:35:46] Angie Yu: Yeah. So. That was, difficult news to hear, and it was
[00:35:52] difficult for me to reconcile that he had. Taken his own life, after his death, I really struggled with my own life's direction. I didn't even know what I was feeling. Like sometimes I would just sit on the ground and just like stare off into space and around that time, my memories started to come back
[00:36:11] when it came back it wasn't even like bingo kind of thing. It doesn't come back to you. Like it's not a thing moment. it's more like when you're in a boat and there's a leak and then by the time it comes off fully, you're like, Oh shit, I'm drowning.
[00:36:27] Okay.
[00:36:27] Kristy Yee: So it's leaking, but then you don't even realize it. You don't realize there's water coming in until it's like, Oh shit.
[00:36:34] Angie Yu: So like I started having more vivid recalls of the memory, and then one day I was just
[00:36:40] kinda like, staring off into space again. And then my ex was like, you okay? Are you still thinking about him?
[00:36:45] And I'm like, yeah. And also, never told anyone this before, but. and it slowly just kind of came out. Like I hadn't planned on telling him that day or in that moment it just came out. and he was the first person I've ever told.
[00:37:01] Kristy Yee: That's where the significance
[00:37:02] Angie Yu: when I was in university, I think I mentioned to someone. It was like a friends with benefit situation. And I think I've mentioned it in passing. He was like, what? I was like, nevermind. So I think it tried to sufrace before, but I don't even remember what I said to him.
[00:37:15] I don't think I actually told him that I. Something like this. I just said I had a very dark moment , something like that ,
[00:37:20] Kristy Yee: you weren't like, I had a suicidal incident when I was 10 years old,
[00:37:24] Angie Yu: I guess it tried to surface up and I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[00:37:27] Just like pushed it back down deeper.
[00:37:28] Kristy Yee: unconsciously too, because you don't even remember having that memory.
[00:37:32] Not really fully .
[00:37:33] Angie Yu: It's all unconscious. That's the thing. Like our subconscious mind is so powerful. Whatever we. Consciously think about. that's just the tip of the iceberg, and there's just so much below the surface
[00:37:45] Kristy Yee: that must have been really scary, like in that moment when I just came back, like when it surfaced and you consciously acknowledged it and then when you realize that, Oh shit, this boat is filled full of cold water.
[00:38:00] I too went to ESL.
[00:38:02] Angie Yu: Did not speak English at some point in my life.
[00:38:06] Kristy Yee: okay. But like, okay. that story comes out and then you, you told them and it would be the first time that it's coming back to you
[00:38:15] Angie Yu: as well.
[00:38:16] Yup.
[00:38:16] Kristy Yee: Right. So that sounds fucking scary. Like if I would've fucking just peed my pants. I mean, just a little bit, like a little tinkle.
[00:38:24] Angie Yu: Well. Well, I, my bladder was okay. It was a very traumatic incident to come back to me. And it was kind of one of those moments where I went, am I fucked up? Like, is there something wrong with me? so I think I was more confused than scared.
[00:38:41] Kristy Yee: So what was it like for you How did it make you feel to finally tell someone that story I think
[00:38:53] Angie Yu: people say that they are relieved when they finally tell someone
[00:38:56]
[00:38:56] Angie Yu: I was also relieved a little bit but it didn't really feel like relief It was more like A recognition rather than relief because it was like you know the proverbial baggage the emotional baggage that I had for so long and I just always ignored it I repressed it I suppressed it I ignored it and it was fun and they like I went to baggage claim and claimed my emotional baggage and It was kind of like I don't know At first I didn't really want to admit that I had this baggage but as time went on I didn't
[00:39:32] Kristy Yee: even know you had fucking baggage coming down
[00:39:35] Angie Yu: Yeah Basically And I was like Oh shit I have baggage Like
[00:39:38] Kristy Yee: Oh I'll pick that shit up
[00:39:40] Angie Yu: Exactly and it was one of those moments where I was like you know what Everyone has baggage it was about time for me to admit that I have mine too And And actually face it and deal with it rather than trying to pretend like I was perfectly normal because it was
[00:39:58] Kristy Yee: perfectly exactly
[00:40:01] And first of all,
[00:40:03] Angie Yu: yeah. Yeah.
[00:40:05] Kristy Yee: Thank you for sharing that story. I don't think it's, I don't think it, at least for me, it wouldn't be an easy thing to share.
[00:40:14] Something as dramatic as that from, from your 10 year old self.
[00:40:17] Angie Yu: Yeah. And I think, mean, it's not easy and I know that this story is going to be out there for a relief for anyone to listen to. It's going to be on the internet forever. But I think that's part of what we want to achieve here, and at least that's something that I really want to achieve is, you know, we want to talk about this stuff.
[00:40:35] a lot of people have had suicidal thoughts, have had suicide attempts and have had considered suicide, and we are so hush hush about it that when it does happen, someone think like, Oh my God, there's something wrong with me because I have suicidal thoughts.
[00:40:52] Kristy Yee: Exactly like you just meant that.
[00:40:56] When it, when it came up, you're like, Oh my God, is there something wrong with me? Am I fucked up? And I feel like so many
[00:41:02] Angie Yu: people have those thoughts
[00:41:04] Kristy Yee: inside their heads to themselves. And so we're all having the same fucking conversation with ourselves, thinking that we're the only ones having that fucked up conversation.
[00:41:13] And so I do think it's really important to talk about these moments and to, you know. Quote, unquote, normalized this conversation so that when it does come up for anybody, that they'll hopefully be able to learn more. That you know what. I am not the only one who goes through trauma and have these dark moments in my life.
[00:41:39] And it doesn't mean that you're fucked up, you know? Cause like who isn't fucked up? That's, that's the key.
[00:41:49] Angie Yu: Everyone's fucked up. And the thing is like. I do also want to emphasize because people have, there have been people who are like, Oh, like suicidal thoughts have very common, and when you are suicidal and you hear that, it can be very invalidating. So I want to emphasize that even though suicidal thoughts are fairly common, if you have them.
[00:42:11] Or you know, if you had them or if one day you do have them, it is significant. Just because it's common doesn't mean. it's insignificant. It's still very important to talk to someone about it and to seek help so that you don't act upon these thoughts.
[00:42:29] And I think, you know, thoughts, we all have thoughts, right? Sometimes you get angry, you're like, Oh my God, I'm gonna kill you kind of thing, but you're not actually going to kill someone. And I hope that when you think. The world will be better off without me that you don't follow through it. Because I think we have those thoughts there to kind of, I don't know, like our frontal lobe, blah, blah, blah.
[00:42:51] I don't know. We're human. We have thoughts. But whether or not you act on them, think that makes a huge difference. And I think that shows what kind of person you are. And even if you do act on suicidal thoughts. I hope that you survive because I did and if I hadn't lived the last 19 years of my life, like what a shame
[00:43:18] Kristy Yee: this podcast.
[00:43:28] I don't
[00:43:32] so lighthearted about this because it is important, but I think it's also important to just recognize that, you know what? I'm in a dark place right now in this moment, and this is how I'm feeling. And then recognizing it. but then I think just, just the fact just from us, share our stories. I'm hoping that someone will hear the story and things I am not so alone in this world that I'm not the only one who has moments of darkness
[00:44:03] Angie Yu: in my life.
[00:44:04] Kristy Yee: Because then when you do feel isolated and alone, then that's when you go into a deeper, darker place, and then you feel like, okay, well, yeah, maybe.
[00:44:16] Angie Yu: Yeah. It's a very tough, very, very tough topic.
[00:44:23] Kristy Yee: So even though we're like, yeah, we're going to talk all about this shit where I'm comfortable with, like, we are also uncomfortable, like we can't
[00:44:30] Angie Yu: even find the worst human. Like we, we are all human and it is,
[00:44:34] Kristy Yee: and we also grew up in the same society as everyone else, right?
[00:44:38] I mean, granted, there's obviously differences in experience, but yeah. Y'all know what I mean?
[00:44:44] Angie Yu: Yes, yes, that's right. It is. It's, it's a difficult topic. It's,
[00:44:51] Kristy Yee: that's so important.
[00:44:52] Angie Yu: So, so, important. And the thing is, it'll pass. The darkness will pass. You know, we always say like, Oh good things don't last.
[00:45:00] Well, bad things don't last either. And yeah, it, it passes, it does pass. It really does.
[00:45:12] on the next episode, the episode will be much lighter. I, Christy and I will discuss what is going on now with my diagnosis and how it has really helped me get my life back on track. So we really hope that you'll join us on that episode because that is kind of the meat of what we want to provide in our podcasts.
[00:45:35] It's, we're not just telling stories, but we want there to be something to be taken away for all of you listeners out there, and we want you guys to be able to learn something from the podcast
[00:45:44] Kristy Yee: basically part two of Angie's story.
[00:45:47] What's going to happen next?
