2. Meet Kristy at Emotional Baggage Claim
Kristy shares the detailed story of when she was institutionalized and put in the psych ward in a Children's Hospital at age 12. We explore how well-meaning adults can significantly change the course of someone's childhood and how the approach to mental health care has changed since 2002.
**Content warning: physical violence
Highlights:
Defining "Emotional Baggage"
Being bullied and being the bully
Acting out from childhood emotional neglect
Takeaways:
Everyone has a vulnerable story
Making assumptions serves no one. You never know what is beyond the surface level
Talking out loud about your traumatic experiences helps you process it for yourself
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Got a topic you want us to chat about? Have a question about mental health or adulting as an Asian American? Let us know!
More Episodes Like This
Transcript
HEADS UP: We use AI to help us transcribe so we can spend more time on the podcast. The transcription is not perfect. Please forgive any typos. They can be pretty funny though.
Episode 2 - Meet Kristy At Baggage Claim
[00:00:00] Angie Yu:
[00:00:25] Are you ready for this?
[00:00:26] Kristy Yee: I think so.
[00:00:28] Angie Yu: this is our first official episode.
[00:00:31] Kristy Yee: That's right. K
[00:00:32] Angie Yu: second episode. Um, so last time we did an introduction of ourselves, and now we're really diving into the deep,
[00:00:40] Kristy Yee: we're getting into some real stuff, juicy pens,
[00:00:44] Angie Yu: and we're going to start off the podcast by talking about.
[00:00:48] The stories of Christy and I talk about my
[00:00:51] Kristy Yee: life story. Yeah.
[00:00:51] Angie Yu: So this episode we're going to talk about Christie, um,
[00:00:54] so Christie, start us off by telling us about what your emotional baggage
[00:00:59] Kristy Yee: feels like.
[00:00:59] A really intense question right off
[00:01:01] Angie Yu: the bat.
[00:01:03] Kristy Yee: Okay.
[00:01:04] Angie Yu: Um. What do you think our baggage is
[00:01:06] Kristy Yee: like in general?
[00:01:07] Angie Yu: like when people say, Oh, I have a lot of baggage. What do you think that means?
[00:01:11] Kristy Yee: I think it's a lot of built up experiences since we were children.
[00:01:16] I think we collectively carry rocks throughout our life journey. And it starts when we first experienced pain as a child, whatever that might be for you. And as you grow up and you continue to have experiences, you collect these rocks and then you fill your bag up with it and eventually you end up having this.
[00:01:41] Weighted baggage full of rocks and shit that you carry with you.
[00:01:46] Angie Yu: Does this apply to all rocks or just rocks that you haven't wanted to look at closely. because otherwise, that's a lot
[00:01:53] of rocks, right? Like, like I think we are,
[00:01:55] we're always constantly changing. It's like when you look at a river, it looks like a river, but the thing is the river you're looking at from the river, you're looking at two seconds ago, if not the same river,
[00:02:06] because the water is moving.
[00:02:07] And I feel like if people were the same,
[00:02:09] Kristy Yee: do you know that song just around the river bend from Pocahontas? Oh my gosh.
[00:02:16] there is one particular part in the lyrics where it talks about the waters. The waters always changing, always
[00:02:23] Angie Yu: flowing.
[00:02:25] Kristy Yee: So it's like, you know. Yeah. Thank you.
[00:02:27] Angie Yu: You're welcome.
[00:02:28] Okay. Well, so I guess my question is like, what are these rocks represent though? Because. You've watched inside out, right? And remember how there are certain memories that are core memories, and then there were like the ones that you just kind of forget about.
[00:02:42] I feel like baggage is the core memories,
[00:02:45] Kristy Yee: right? The core memories are also like in the movie at least there's, there's good core memories as well. I mean, I guess they all build character, but you know, it's not just all shits and stones.
[00:02:57] Angie Yu: No, no, no, no. I think in the core memories that were good and bad one,
[00:03:00] Kristy Yee: yeah.
[00:03:01] Angie Yu: But I think the movie itself, like she was trying to repress her bad emotions, and I think that's something that a lot of people have been going through is the commonality of repressing our quote unquote, what we define as negative emotions.
[00:03:17] Kristy Yee: Yes. And hence the whole movie inside out, like that was very progressive when it first came out because it talked about how, you know, even sad emotions are just all part of life and it's, it's just, it should be just as well respected as happy moments.
[00:03:35] where am I going with this?
[00:03:36] Angie Yu: um.
[00:03:36] Kristy Yee: No, I don't know where I'm going with this anymore.
[00:03:40] Angie Yu: we were talking about the rock
[00:03:41] Kristy Yee: and I was asking you
[00:03:42] Angie Yu: what do these rocks and bricks in your baggage. Ah, I
[00:03:48] Kristy Yee: how I see it as baggage is your collective experiences and they're usually built from something traumatic or painful that okay is unresolved or repressed, and then you carry it with you for however long until you fish it out of your bag. And then.
[00:04:05] Come to terms with it,
[00:04:07] Angie Yu: or you get so good at collecting them that you think the only way to live life is to collect these rocks instead of resolve them, and then it gets really, really heavy.
[00:04:18] Kristy Yee: That's messy.
[00:04:19] Angie Yu: Yeah. and then you collect one more and you stumble upon another rock, and instead of dealing with it, you put it in your baggage.
[00:04:26] And then. It gets too heavy.
[00:04:28] Kristy Yee: Do you think these collectors, are they doing it on purpose? Like knowing that they're collecting rocks and they're just finding opportunities to find collect rocks?
[00:04:38] Angie Yu: , since I've been going to therapy, I have learned that a lot of these behaviors that we have are all developed from childhood,
[00:04:44] Kristy Yee: which is like,
[00:04:45] Angie Yu: at
[00:04:45] Kristy Yee: first I was like, that's so
[00:04:46] Angie Yu: textbook.
[00:04:47] Why am I such a textbook case? But actually no, in our childhood has a lot to do
[00:04:52] with how we behave as
[00:04:53] adults, and if we weren't taught by our parents or by our immediate guardians how to deal with these rocks that we stumble upon, then we think. , we're just supposed to put them in our bag and just continue life bag, bag bag anyway, and just continue life
[00:05:08] Kristy Yee: as is.
[00:05:09] yes, how are parents or guardians, uh, show us or teach us on how to deal with these rocks. That's important. But they also contribute to the rocks too. And that doesn't, that's. It's not helpful.
[00:05:19] Angie Yu: I think that's what they mean by intergenerational
[00:05:22] Kristy Yee: trauma, or at least part of it
[00:05:24] Angie Yu: is like our parents have a lot of trauma that they've been through too, and they come from a generation where they weren't dealing with it. We come from a generation where we're only learning to deal with it now, right? the next generations after us, they're going to be hopefully a lot better at this than we are. And every generation has their problem, and it has one thing that they want to solve, like for our parents, like, or maybe a little bit younger than our parents.
[00:05:45] It was like, Oh, technology, right? Like they're a part of the development of technology. Um, I think for us it's. Mental health and emotional literacy. Um, where are we going?
[00:05:55] Kristy Yee: Um,
[00:05:55] Angie Yu: Oh yeah. The parents. Can we blame our parents? Um, I guess it depends on if you want to make it a blame game. I used to resent my parents a lot.
[00:06:04] Kristy Yee: I don't think I was blaming them. I'm just saying they also contribute. Oh, right.
[00:06:09] Angie Yu: Yes. Oh, for sure. They're probably the biggest contribution
[00:06:13] Kristy Yee: because there they are so much a part of our childhood. Right. And this whole inner child work. That's all part of, or even if they're
[00:06:23] Angie Yu: not part of our childhood, they still become a problem.
[00:06:25] Kristy Yee: Yes, exactly. So either if they're physically or not physically there, it's still, they are still there.
[00:06:36] Angie Yu: Very hard to very eloquent. Ladies and gentlemen. My cohost.
[00:06:43] No, you know what I think it is. It's, um. It's like when people say, Oh, that person has daddy issues, would that person has mommy issues. If you have a dad, you have daddy issues. You don't have a dad, you have daddy issues, you have a mom, you have mommy issues.
[00:06:56] Kristy Yee: Like everyone
[00:06:56] Angie Yu: has issues with their parents.
[00:06:58] Like
[00:06:59] Kristy Yee: just
[00:06:59] Angie Yu: like we know nobody's perfect. So if someone to make comments like that, like it's so much projection. Anyway, back to the rock.
[00:07:05] Kristy Yee: Yes. Cause we're here to talk about your rocks. So
[00:07:08] Angie Yu: tell me more about your
[00:07:10] Kristy Yee: biggest rock. I don't really know what my biggest rock is, but the first thing that comes to mind is, I guess it's when I was 12 and I.
[00:07:21] I basically went to the hospital. I'm in the psych
[00:07:25] Angie Yu: ward. you went to
[00:07:26] hospital, you were into the psych ward at
[00:07:29] Kristy Yee: the hospital. Like on your own accord, like you went there like a one day, you're just like, as a feel out of a law. I just decided to stroll and
[00:07:37] Angie Yu: okay, let's go back before that.
[00:07:39] Um, so you were 12, okay. What happened.
[00:07:41] Kristy Yee: so we were talking about baggage, right? And I don't know, this is my biggest baggage, but it is a significant part of my life. I guess you could call it like a turning point and what happened? So, there's this whole backstory to it. In elementary school. Um, I was in grade seven and there was this girl that was consistently bullying me throughout, I don't know, since the beginning of school year . during lunchtime I was hanging out with my friends and we were on the swings. And this girl comes again, right? And I'm like, Oh. And all my friends knew that this girl has been bullying me. And all of that, we just ignore her most of the time.
[00:08:16] Sometimes tell her to go away. She doesn't. So anyways, she's back again. We're at the swings for swinging, mining our business. She comes behind me and then she starts kicking me. So every time I was swinging back, she would kick and I swing back and she would kick. She
[00:08:30] Angie Yu: would kick you like while you were on
[00:08:32] Kristy Yee: this one?
[00:08:32] While I'm on the side, she would just stand, stand there and kick me when I swing, because she was a mean person, and so she would kick me and as she's kicking me, she would call me names. And she would make fun of me and she would make fun of my Chinese name and like, she'll just pronounce it.
[00:08:52] Yeah. She made fun of my last name. Um, and she would just keep kicking me . And I'm just ignoring this the whole time. And all my friends were there and they're telling her to go away and she doesn't go away. Wait,
[00:09:04] Angie Yu: sorry. So this girl has been bullying you since the beginning of the school year.
[00:09:07] Did you tell anyone, did you tell your parents, did you tell any teachers? Cause no,
[00:09:10] Kristy Yee: my parents, Nope. Okay.
[00:09:13] Angie Yu: So,
[00:09:15] Kristy Yee: so your
[00:09:15] Angie Yu: relationship with your parents at that point was not ideal?
[00:09:17] Kristy Yee: I don't, I mean, is it normal to tell your parents that you're being bullied at school? Probably not in a Chinese family.
[00:09:25] My
[00:09:25] Angie Yu: parents also didn't tell me they were being bullied.
[00:09:28] Kristy Yee: But you just don't talk about these tasks. Like how was school? It was fine. Did you get an a? You know,
[00:09:33] Angie Yu: cause it's some terracing like you're ashamed. Yeah. Um, did you tell any teachers?
[00:09:37] Kristy Yee: Nope. No teachers.
[00:09:38] Angie Yu: Did you tell any adults?
[00:09:40] Kristy Yee: No. No. Adults knew. Okay. No adults knew about this. I don't know. I just don't talk to adults. Yeah, exactly. I don't think many kids did
[00:09:49] Angie Yu: not back then.
[00:09:50] Kristy Yee: Yeah, I think a lot of times we just kept ourselves between
[00:09:54] Angie Yu: engineering. Yeah. Maybe Christie and I are just super functional, so, or we're not,
[00:09:59] Kristy Yee: and that's why we have so many rocks now.
[00:10:01] I was being
[00:10:02] Angie Yu: sarcastic.
[00:10:05] I'm so glad you understand my humor.
[00:10:11] Kristy Yee: It is great. So, no, I didn't tell any adults. anyways, back to the story. So , she's ticking. She's screaming at me, one round, two round, three rounds, and then I just got so fucking fed up,
[00:10:22] I was jumped off this wings I turned around, I go up to her and I'm telling her. You
[00:10:29] Angie Yu: need to give me
[00:10:30] Kristy Yee: the fuck alone. Okay. Like, I don't think I said, I was like, you need to leave me alone. Stop calling me names. Like, get out of my face. And she shuts up at this point and I keep screaming, and then I grab her and I'm shaking her
[00:10:44] and I'm like emphasizing my message. And then I grabbed her by the neck
[00:10:49] Angie Yu: and I'm like, you need to leave me alone.
[00:10:52] Kristy Yee: And I stared at her and then I squeezed,
[00:10:56] Angie Yu: squeezed her neck.
[00:10:57] Kristy Yee: Yeah. And of course the supervision aide at the time saw the whole thing. Didn't see the fact that she was kicking me, but saw the fact that I as an older student, because she's younger than
[00:11:09] Angie Yu: me. Oh
[00:11:11] Kristy Yee: yeah. So I'm, I was also on some, like.
[00:11:17] Supervision a duty as well. in grade seven you get these. Special responsibilities. So I was on duty, on the playground with my friends, and here I am in like my vest or whatever. So my friends and I all got sent to the principal's office, rightfully so. Right. And we're in the principal's office and all of my friends at this point, they're all in separate rooms, and they're being interrogated on their own. And I'm sitting there and the counselor comes in and the principal's there, and then they're asking me what happened.
[00:11:47] I don't say anything. I didn't tell them that this girl has been bullying me. I didn't say that she was there kicking me and calling me names. I just don't say anything. I'm like a mute.
[00:11:59] Angie Yu: Why do you think that is?
[00:12:01] Kristy Yee: I was embarrassed
[00:12:02] Angie Yu: you were embarrassed that you choked.
[00:12:04] Kristy Yee: No, no. I was embarrassed because I didn't want people to know.
[00:12:09] that a younger person was bullying me. Prior, so much pride and so ashamed. And I didn't want it to have to repeat those words that she used on me, like how she made fun of my name. It's really dumb at this point. Like, my last name is Z.
[00:12:26] And so she was just rhyming it with pee and you know, like childish rhymes. but I was embarrassed and I didn't want it to repeat those words because I was so ashamed of it. And I was so ashamed of my own name. And the fact that this younger girl was able to bully me.
[00:12:41] Well, it's
[00:12:41] Angie Yu: humiliating. Like
[00:12:42] Kristy Yee: she was making fun of your last name
[00:12:44] Angie Yu: and our culture, our last names are supposed to be a source of
[00:12:47] Kristy Yee: pride,
[00:12:48] Angie Yu: not a source of
[00:12:49] Kristy Yee: humiliation. So it was not prideful. It was opposite of that. And, the safest spot for me was just not to say anything.
[00:12:57] And so because I didn't, they asked me if I felt bad for what I did. And I'm like, Hells no
[00:13:06] Angie Yu: response
[00:13:11] Kristy Yee: stood up for myself for once. Okay. I had so much adrenaline at this point. I was probably crying. I was like, no, , I do not feel sorry for what I did. I don't take it back. I was just really proud of the fact that I stood up for myself and I told her off, you know? I grabbed her and I just wanted her to take me seriously.
[00:13:32] I just want to her to not bug me tomorrow at lunchtime again.
[00:13:37] Angie Yu: you basically couldn't take it anymore. Like it was just a last drop.
[00:13:40] Did you ever voice your concerns before you choked her?
[00:13:45] Kristy Yee: Like told her off, you mean?
[00:13:46] Oh yeah. Oh, many, many times. I told her to leave me alone, all of that. But I never physically did anything. And so this time I did so that she could take me seriously
[00:13:56] Angie Yu: what was going through your head when you were choking her? Because I can imagine like as scary as that sounds, I think as. People who are empathetic, like you and I are both empath. Like it must be really scary to see yourself like that hurting someone else.
[00:14:13] Kristy Yee: I felt empowered.
[00:14:14] Angie Yu: Okay. Should I write a letter to your, you found Howard because you were finally, um, doing something to stand up for yourself
[00:14:26] Kristy Yee: because it felt like I was in a position of power.
[00:14:29] Angie Yu: Hm. Okay.
[00:14:30] Kristy Yee: and when someone's in a position of power, then that's when I felt like, okay, then they can respect me and take me seriously. And I think I took it to a physical level was because I felt that that gave me power, which therefore they will respect me because I'm in a position of power.
[00:14:48] Hmm. I think that was what I was trying to get at. and then my mind got me to be violent about it. when that moment came, it was like, Whoa. So this is what it feels like. Very scary. Cause haven't heard anyone before. And, in my mind I'm like, now she has to take me seriously.
[00:15:07] that was the whole point of it.
[00:15:08] Angie Yu: that's really confusing. Then as a 12 year old, like you feel empowered because you're finally fighting for yourself, but then you also, you're a bit scared cause you've never heard anybody before.
[00:15:17] Kristy Yee: yeah, it was really scary because.
[00:15:19] I didn't know what to do next
[00:15:21] other than
[00:15:22] squeeze
[00:15:24] and then tell the principal that you're glad you did it.
[00:15:27] I know, I know. So in hindsight, I'm like, okay, yeah, I totally understand why the adults are like, ah, this is not a good situation.
[00:15:36] there you have an older student, attacking a younger student and then not feel any remorse about it and not willing to apologize for it. And also not telling her side of the story.
[00:15:48] Silent. Right? So maybe she doesn't even have her side of the story. Maybe it is just a one sided story. my parents were called obviously. Um I was living with my dad. But here's the kicker. My mom was also called so then now I have my mom and my dad at school with my school counselor, and they're all trying to figure out what's going on. And I'm just way too embarrassed and in shock and still running on adrenaline and just freaking out about what's happening. Do we even say anything about it? So I've just been silent.
[00:16:18] Angie Yu: you must've really resented this girl for bullying. You act it out in such a way. Cause your actions are definitely reactive
[00:16:25] Kristy Yee: and proactive.
[00:16:26] Angie Yu: And , you must have been really angry.
[00:16:28] Kristy Yee: Well yeah, I was pissed cause she's been following me around for weeks and weeks.
[00:16:32] Maybe months. Yeah. And I think it's just like in elementary school I was bullied a lot. Part of it now reflecting as adults, I just had a lot of suppressed
[00:16:43] Angie Yu: anger
[00:16:44] Kristy Yee: from all those years of being bullied, and then finally this girl's comes along and she's not even in my grade. I'm like, Oh my God, how low can I get . And so when I took out that anger on her , it was all of that anger that had built up. Directly from her because she was doing all those things. But I think it was also from all of the bullies from my past. And then I just took it all out on her and I just wanted people to stop bullying me.
[00:17:13] Angie Yu: Yeah, I think that makes more sense. Just story to
[00:17:16] Kristy Yee: rationalize
[00:17:17] Angie Yu: , I mean, we can never really truly rationalize our emotions, but I think
[00:17:21] Kristy Yee: as
[00:17:21] Angie Yu: an outsider like. Because I know you, I know you're not violent like it signals to me that there must have been a lot other things
[00:17:29] Kristy Yee: going on.
[00:17:29] . And that's where that empowerment came from . It was like, I finally can have a say, I am brave enough to stand up for myself
[00:17:39] Angie Yu: it was mostly what the action said, like you didn't know naturally, physically injure her,
[00:17:43] Kristy Yee: and that wasn't the intent either. I didn't want her to actually get hurt. I just wanted her to leave me alone.
[00:17:51] Angie Yu: This is the biggest rock in your,
[00:17:52] Kristy Yee: well, this is what led me to a turning point back to the story, um, principal's office, then next thing you know, I was in the doctor's office with my mom, with my dad, and my school counselor. Like in my GPS office,
[00:18:06] Angie Yu: which is
[00:18:07] Kristy Yee: the most weirdest things because I see my parents separately. And I don't associate my parents with school, like every time there's a parent teacher conference, I just. I try to avoid it as much as possible. I just don't bring in those pieces of my life together. now I have all these four characters who come from all different parts of my life, and now they're all in one room.
[00:18:27] It was like the fucking Avengers, but not, it's fine. It's not like not fun.
[00:18:35] Angie Yu: so you're in your GPS office with your mom and your dad
[00:18:38] Kristy Yee: and your school counselor.
[00:18:39] Angie Yu: you're right. Like as a kid, anything like the ad school versus home. Like I kept them completely
[00:18:45] but then eventually you were brought to the hospital
[00:18:49] Kristy Yee: after the GPS office.
[00:18:51] I was told to go to the hospital immediately.
[00:18:53] Angie Yu: Immediately.
[00:18:54] Kristy Yee: this is all in span of the same day. So playground principals, office GPS, office hospital. Okay. And so . I remember being in this big empty room. No chairs, no nothing.
[00:19:07] And the whole room was padded.
[00:19:09] Angie Yu: You are brought into a pattern room.
[00:19:11] your GP was just like, you guys need
[00:19:13] Kristy Yee: to go to the hospital. You get there,
[00:19:14] Angie Yu: and then they're just like, please go into this pattern room.
[00:19:17] Kristy Yee: There might have been ER, at some point. but I do remember the pattern room because we were in there for hours,
[00:19:24] Angie Yu: like
[00:19:25] Kristy Yee: fucking
[00:19:26] Angie Yu: hours, like a powder room, like what I
[00:19:28] Kristy Yee: imagined Petta rooms to look
[00:19:30] Angie Yu: like.
[00:19:32] Kristy Yee: Oh, it's not white. so unlike what we see on TV, I mean, maybe it's white for the adult ones, but I went to the children's hospital, um, and how I remember it and memories are distorted, but how I remember it, um, the pads. it was colored. It reminded me of Jim. You know, when you, um, when you do gymnastics and they like lay out those blue mats and they're kind of foamy,
[00:19:55] it was like that, but the entire fucking room like walls to ceiling to floor.
[00:20:00] Angie Yu: That's so strange.
[00:20:02] Kristy Yee: It was weird. Were
[00:20:03] Angie Yu: they scared
[00:20:03] Kristy Yee: that you were going to hurt someone? hurt yourself. Maybe. honestly, I think that that was just like the fucking standard room. Like if you have some psych related issues, then that's the room you go into.
[00:20:15] that's kinda messed up. That's fucked up. Yeah. It's messed up. And you were
[00:20:18] Angie Yu: in there alone.
[00:20:19] Kristy Yee: No, I was with my parents, which for me, that was the most fucked up part. It wasn't the fact that it wasn't because I was in the hospital
[00:20:28] Angie Yu: what was going on at home.
[00:20:29] Kristy Yee: Growing up, my parents. How I remember it. They've always been divorced. Oh. So they've always been separated and to have the two together is so uncomfortable because they always talk shit about each other.
[00:20:41] Mostly. my dad talks shit about my mom they just talk shit about each other. I couldn't count. The number of times that I've ever seen them together in the same room because all the way from when I remember. They've not only were they in different rooms, they were in different houses, you know, like I had two houses
[00:20:58] Angie Yu: and now they're in a padded room
[00:21:00] Kristy Yee: and it's just so weird
[00:21:02] Angie Yu: to have them
[00:21:02] Kristy Yee: both there.
[00:21:04] And that was the most uncomfortable thing.
[00:21:06] Angie Yu: how long were you in that pattern?
[00:21:08] Kristy Yee: I was there for hours.
[00:21:09] So they will take me out of the room to see people, doctors and social workers and psychologists, I'm guessing, but it was like a string of people. And what was most annoying was at this point, they just asked me the same questions over and over
[00:21:26] Angie Yu: and over
[00:21:27] Kristy Yee: again, and I get it. It's because. The healthcare system isn't very efficient back then, because there's no electronic charting and all that. So you don't, you just ask the standard questions like, why do you think you're here?
[00:21:39] You know what happened at school today? What's going on at home? Blah, blah, blah. And you're just repeating the same thing five, six, seven times, and you're like, do you not talk to each other? Why am I doing all the heavy lifting? Okay. I felt like I'm the victim at this point.
[00:21:57] later that night I was brought down to this hallway, and then taken into a ward and the ward was really colorful. There was like all these, murals and.
[00:22:11] Shit that you would expect out of children's hospital. And then they take me into this ward, and there's three rooms and they take me into one of the rooms. I walk in and the whole room is painted sky blue and there's all these fluffy white clouds all over it. With rainbows
[00:22:28] Angie Yu: and unicorns.
[00:22:29] Kristy Yee: No rainbows and unicorns.
[00:22:31] Angie Yu: Not yet,
[00:22:33] Kristy Yee: no, but it was, it was all these beautiful Zen, you know? Yeah, yeah. Throw the whole room. All , four walls, maybe the ceiling, I don't remember. Okay. And then there is a single mattress in the left. Hand corner of the room, then they close the door and this door is like a
[00:22:52] Angie Yu: heavy metal
[00:22:54] Kristy Yee: door. There's a window on it. There's a small little window that I can't see through it because I'm too short and there are
[00:23:02] Angie Yu: bars
[00:23:03] Kristy Yee: on the windows.
[00:23:04] So I'm in this room, hello with a metal door behind me, so I go over to the bed and I look around at all the blues guys and the white fluffy clouds. And then when you look closely. You can see that there are etchings on the wall. tallies.
[00:23:21] There are also some messages on there as well, people have carved out words and sentences.
[00:23:27] Angie Yu: This is giving me so many goosebumps,
[00:23:30] Kristy Yee: fucking serious shit. That I've seen. Yeah. Because
[00:23:34] Angie Yu: clearly it is not all blue skies and fluffy clouds
[00:23:37] Kristy Yee: what's crazy is that. Why would they leave the etchings there? it's not just a small little patch on the corner of the wall hidden behind them.
[00:23:47] No, it's the entire room. All four walls, messages everywhere from all the past occupants of this room shit. Like get out while you can. don't trust them.
[00:24:00] Angie Yu: What the fuck? Yeah.
[00:24:02] Kristy Yee: I'm like, Oh my God. if I wasn't crazy before, I might be when
[00:24:07] Angie Yu: I leave.
[00:24:08] Kristy Yee: That was my fear. Yeah. Holy
[00:24:11] Angie Yu: fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and this is a children's hospital. Do they leave it there?
[00:24:17] Kristy Yee: Why don't they paint over it? And so what I found most interesting now as an adult thinking back to it, is that when you walk by this ward, like if you were just a spectator Latina, right? And you're like, wow, what a lovely unit.
[00:24:30] They paint every room a different theme. So my room was the clouds theme, and then the next room was butterflies. And then the next one was rainbow. So there's like, wow. You know, they're really trying to like Zen out these kids and like provide a nice space for them to
[00:24:46] Angie Yu: help them continue suppress negative feeling
[00:24:49] Kristy Yee: it's like you have this facade and if you walk by and it looks great, but if you look attentively. You can see all of the horrors around and you find it so ridiculously crazy because it just juxtapose the entire
[00:25:06] Angie Yu: feel of the
[00:25:07] Kristy Yee: ward when you first walked into it.
[00:25:09] It just
[00:25:10] Angie Yu: sounds a lot like there's so much symbol of them and some, there's like an allegory of what it represents, like how people view mental health, mental illnesses.
[00:25:20] Kristy Yee: Let's just paint it over with a brush and make it all dandies and rainbows. Dandy,
[00:25:27] Angie Yu: dandy lions. I'm just going to call them Dan. Dave now.
[00:25:31] Kristy Yee: So anyways, I remember wanting to shower. I go into the bathroom. I'm like, Lala like doing my thing. and I turn around and there are two shower curtains and I'm like, okay, what the fuck am I going to share it?
[00:25:43] And I was going to make water all over the place. Right.
[00:25:45] Angie Yu: Thank you. Keep an eye on you.
[00:25:47] Kristy Yee: , I didn't know. So I wrapped my towel around me. I walk out barefoot to the nursing station and I'm like, Hey, just wanted to shower, but notice there wasn't any shower curtains. can I have some shower curtains please?
[00:26:00] and they're like, no, no, no, honey, we can't give you, we have give you the shower curtain. And I don't actually know if they called me honey, but they're very nice people. They're very nice people, but they're like, no, no, we can't give you shower curtains. And I'm like, uh, why not?
[00:26:13] how am I going to shower them? They're like, eat. It's got a shower without it. You just have to manage without it. But then I found out later that they take away the shower curtain so that you don't hang herself.
[00:26:24] Angie Yu: Yeah, I figured something
[00:26:26] Kristy Yee: that's fucked. Okay,
[00:26:27] Angie Yu: well, you're in a cycle.
[00:26:30] Kristy Yee: I don't know this. How am I supposed to know about these standards
[00:26:34] Angie Yu: were there any other
[00:26:35] Kristy Yee: kids? Yeah, so there was three rooms, and so they were both just three rooms, three rooms, I think.
[00:26:41] So it was easier to manage. There was a lot of staff on this unit. I can imagine. I feel like there was at least one staff per kid, which is a lot for hospital, I think. I feel like that's a lot of resources. there's two other kids there. There was a dude and there was a girl.
[00:26:58] I didn't really talk with the dude because he's a dude. And you know when
[00:27:03] Angie Yu: you're,
[00:27:03] Kristy Yee: yeah, exactly. He's Cody. I, in chatting up with this girl, right, and I become friends with her. Which is kind of similar to my age, so it felt more comfortable and we would play board games together and we would watch Disney movies together.
[00:27:15] Oh my gosh. It has so many Disney movies in this world. Like they had a whole self, a VHSs. Oh, it was a dream.
[00:27:23] Angie Yu: Wow. It
[00:27:24] Kristy Yee: sounds like paradise. It was pretty nice. I mean, some parts of it.
[00:27:30] The metal doors, the light bars on the windows, the no shower curtains, all of that aside. It was pretty nice because you didn't have to go to school. You just watch TV. There's all sorts of books. They're and the staff will play board games with you.
[00:27:45] Angie Yu: Yeah.
[00:27:46] Kristy Yee: Okay. So I remember , the oldest girl, we're friends, right? And we're having dinner together. And, um, she was like. So , what did you do? What got you in here?
[00:27:58] Angie Yu: Like adults in prison,
[00:28:00] Kristy Yee: it was like jail.
[00:28:01] I told her what happened in school and I'm like, Oh, I took to girl, you know, like white girl something cool. And then, and then I'm like, well, what did you do? Like. I was trying to be cool, you know, she's like this new friend then, and then she was like, she's like, Oh, um, I like to kill alley cats.
[00:28:25] Angie Yu: She likes to kill Allie cats
[00:28:27] Kristy Yee: for fun.
[00:28:29] Angie Yu: My God.
[00:28:30] Kristy Yee: I remember I had a fork full of pasta and I stared at her and I didn't know how to react.
[00:28:37] And my first instinct was, I am so scared right now.
[00:28:42] Angie Yu: Yeah.
[00:28:44] Kristy Yee: I, and I'm like. you guys have forks?
[00:28:48] Angie Yu: Were they plastic?
[00:28:49] Kristy Yee: We had plastic forks, . And I'm like, , why? And she's like, Oh, I just like to, I like to hear them screech. I like to watch them struggle.
[00:28:59] And I'm like,
[00:29:00] Angie Yu: am I doing
[00:29:02] Kristy Yee: here?
[00:29:04] Angie Yu: Literally the definition.
[00:29:09] Kristy Yee: My friend
[00:29:13] together and now we're having dinner. You know, like we're just having a conversation and I'm like, try to be cool. but I was freaking out on the inside for so many reasons cause I'm like.
[00:29:27] And then the next thought after like, okay, is she going to hurt me? Like it, you know,
[00:29:31] Angie Yu: like, please don't kill
[00:29:32] Kristy Yee: me. Like she's going to hurt me. Why am I here? And then the next thought that came after that was, do they think I am like they meaning the adults, right. And I'm like, uh, I don't
[00:29:47] Angie Yu: belong here.
[00:29:48] Oh my God.
[00:29:49] Kristy Yee: Yeah. So those are all
[00:29:53] Angie Yu: very, very scary thoughts to have, even as a 29 year old.
[00:29:59] Kristy Yee: So at that point, I just want it to fucking GTF. Oh
[00:30:02] Angie Yu: yeah. You know, get out while you can.
[00:30:05] Kristy Yee: And I was being medicated when I was on the unit
[00:30:08] Angie Yu: or being medicated, like,
[00:30:09] Kristy Yee: no, no. Like they would give me meds,
[00:30:13] I don't know. They were pills. I have no idea. I have no idea what meds they are. I was 12 right. all the adults get to say everything. That whole time I felt like I couldn't, I didn't have a say in anything that was happening. Like all these
[00:30:28] Angie Yu: adults just dictating what happens
[00:30:31] Kristy Yee: to you.
[00:30:31] Yeah, exactly. Like
[00:30:32] Angie Yu: you were losing control of your life, which is why you acted out and attack us, girl, but , you barely harmed her,
[00:30:39] Kristy Yee: but
[00:30:40] Angie Yu: it didn't change anything. If anything, , the adults just kept going.
[00:30:44] Kristy Yee: I understand because at some point they did ask me for my story at the principal's office and I didn't say anything.
[00:30:51] And, it just felt like a huge spiral of crazy things 12 hours ago I was on the playground with my friends at lunch and next thing you know, I was in the psych ward at the children's hospital in what you scared hell is? Yeah. Yeah. Especially when I was surrounded by all those etchings and like messages everywhere and the alley cats.
[00:31:12] I think I was there for three weeks or
[00:31:13] Angie Yu: so. And then one of these shifts, weeks with the thing cycle, Allie, cat killer, , this is my least favorite thing is little psychopath girls. Oh my God,
[00:31:25] why Catholic?
[00:31:26] Kristy Yee: Well, apparently because of the screeching, Oh my God. Struggles. Oh God.
[00:31:30] Angie Yu: I just
[00:31:31] Kristy Yee: can't believe you
[00:31:31] Angie Yu: went that. of course, now you're telling me your side of the story. it just sounds like you were having. problems in general,
[00:31:38] Kristy Yee: like you were
[00:31:39] Angie Yu: having some troubles at home and being bullied and you act it out that is a no way similar to a girl who likes to torture alley cats.
[00:31:48] the fact that you were just shipped off to a psych ward. Like the adults just didn't want to deal with it like, what is that like? And, and that's so different from my experience because I was a danger to myself, but , they basically just ignored what had happened with me.
[00:32:03] So like, our stories are so different.
[00:32:05] Kristy Yee: I think it speaks to a lot of like,
[00:32:07] Angie Yu: I don't want to say in competency, but
[00:32:09] Kristy Yee: the ignorance of adults,
[00:32:12] Angie Yu: teachers and principals, et cetera, and our parents
[00:32:15] Kristy Yee: back then and I don't want to sound like I'm blaming the adults. Like you put all those pieces together and they just want to help. They're like, okay, this girl is going through some stuff. School knows that, I have some family issues, just the fact that I come from a divorced family, like there's some stigma around that,
[00:32:35] um, plus. Some of the episodes that I had, prior they put all that together and they're like, okay, she needs some additional support. She doesn't even feel remorse about her actions. She could be a danger to someone, and I think it was a bit out of character it's not something that they would expect from this quiet Asian girl,
[00:32:55] because it was a surprise to everyone that. Became something negative, like, Whoa, that came out of nowhere. So what else is she capable of? Let's keep her safe, um, for protection of others and herself and that she can be monitored.
[00:33:11] Somewhere with people who are equipped to do this, because I think at this point, it's beyond the school counselors capacity, and I think it's even beyond the GPS capacity, and that's why I got pushed into the children's hospital. So as an adult, I'm like, okay, I see where they're coming from.
[00:33:27] And , they gave me opportunities to tell my story, but I was just too embarrassed. And too ashamed, and I had too much pride . And I did that to protect myself now in hindsight, I'm like, well, that just made things worse, yeah.
[00:33:39] But I don't think
[00:33:40] Angie Yu: anybody would blame you for how you reacted, because how are you supposed to know you were just the child, but you don't know how to deal with situations like that.
[00:33:47] Kristy Yee: and
[00:33:47] Angie Yu: part of like the emotionally. Neglected as a child. your guardians or your parents don't go emotional incidents with you and help you learn how to cope properly and they just brush it aside like, Oh, that's just kids being kids, then you don't think that your are valid. And then you suppress them until they bubble over, and then you choke a girl.
[00:34:08] I would just be like, I'm so pissed. I'm going to talk a bitch like.
[00:34:15] I'm going to choke a bitch.
[00:34:22] I used to think I was such a bad ass. Motherfucker took a bed.
[00:34:27] Kristy Yee: I really want to preface that we do not endorse any of that behavior. I'm not trying to say that what I did was right. I just wanted to share my experience at that time and so please don't go and choke a bitch y'alls.
[00:34:42] But I think, , you're right. Like all these adults around me were making these decisions and that's what it felt like. Like nobody was listening to me. , I was being medicated so during this whole time, I'm just taking the meds because adults are telling me too. So you listened to what the adults tell you too, but after hearing the cat girl story,
[00:34:58] after that, I started to refuse meds because in my mind, I'm like, I am not like everyone else it sounds like I'm just. Stigmatizing as well, like I'm grouping them versus me It just felt I didn't to the other folks in the unit. Yeah. my 12 year old mind, I'm like, they're taking meds because of the stuff that they're going through, of the challenges that they're going through.
[00:35:24] Are they giving me meds because they think I'm like that as well. And that's why I didn't want to have meds cause I wanted to make a statement is to say that I'm not like that
[00:35:32] Angie Yu: I don't need meds.
[00:35:34] Kristy Yee: But they took it as an act of rebellion. Of course.
[00:35:37] Angie Yu: Yeah, of course.
[00:35:39] Kristy Yee: And of course, I didn't know how to verbalize and I didn't communicate my intentions.
[00:35:45] And I didn't think I need them.
[00:35:47] Angie Yu: I think your emotions are valid.
[00:35:48] It's because you had no intentions of actually wanting to hurt that's the difference I'm hearing. And. you also didn't know what was going on.
[00:35:55] Like nobody really gave you a lowdown. did you this for a long time or were you always open? like my emotional baggage I repressed and it never came back to me until something else traumatic happened. Like for you, was it kind of always just hovering above you?
[00:36:10] Kristy Yee: I never repressed this memory. It was very like what was the words?
[00:36:14] it was an experience that I had. It was a traumatic and huge experience, but it was definitely something that I recognized.
[00:36:21] Um, did I tell people about it? I don't think I felt comfortable telling people about it until much later. Yeah. I think because I myself. Didn't make a lot of sense of it, but the main thing is because there's so much shame and stigma around just mental health in general, cause people are like, Oh my God, then you're crazy.
[00:36:40] Like you went to the psych ward, you're a crazy person, after that whole incident, I ended up being in a special ed class, and I already felt weird enough why would I label myself as even more
[00:36:53] Angie Yu: weird?
[00:36:54] Kristy Yee: This whole hospitalized experience made me strange and isolated, and that was what got me bullied when I was a kid to begin with. Because I was different . And when I say different, it's the fact that I lived with my dad instead of my mom. my parents were divorced, my dad was much older than everybody else's dads, I bought noodles and it's smelled. I think a lot of, um, folks in our generation
[00:37:19] Angie Yu: could relate to.
[00:37:21] Kristy Yee: I was bullied for all those reasons, but then it made me feel strange.
[00:37:26] It made me feel isolated, then I go through this whole experience, got put into special ed and I'm now, I'm even more isolated and weird. so yeah, telling the story was not. Something that I was comfortable with until later in life.
[00:37:39] Yeah, and that makes
[00:37:40] Angie Yu: sense. how do you think you view this incident now as an adult? Like is this still a rock that you feel like is weighing you down or do you think you have pretty much processed it?
[00:37:50] Kristy Yee: I think I've pretty much processed it, I'm comfortable talking about it now.
[00:37:54] Um, in fact, sometimes I enjoy talking about it. because every time I tell this story, people are surprised because they think, Whoa. , if I didn't know you. Then I wouldn't know what to make of it, but because I know you and who you are as a person, then it's just like, wow, that's a really crazy, interesting story that I wouldn't have associated your character with.
[00:38:14] And I liked that reaction because it shows that you can't tell who has had a traumatic experience based off of how much, you know a person on the surface level. Yeah.
[00:38:25] Angie Yu: It's also a validation as well. A lot of good people always wonder if they are good and a lot of bad people never question if they're bad or not. I think for you, like you don't want to be viewed as like a crazy or violent or malicious person.
[00:38:38] And when you tell people these stories and they go, well, like I never would have guessed you would have done something like that. It's also a type of validation, right? Like, Hey, I'm not a bad person
[00:38:47] Kristy Yee: that makes a lot of sense.
[00:38:48] And I didn't think about it that way as like using the story as a validation tool.
[00:38:52] Angie Yu: not a validation tool. I think it's our egos, like we create these stories for ourselves because that is our coping mechanism.
[00:39:02] That's a survival tool that we have. And we just keep creating these stories. Like I create stories about myself. You create stories of herself it's one of those things when I'm reading, I'm like, this makes so much sense, but when I try to explain it, I'm like, I don't, I can't word at 9:00 PM
[00:39:19] I'm not saying like you're using the story as a validation, but I think. it's almost like comforting your inner child. you're comforting this inner child that was neglected you're telling the story now because you also receive some sort of comfort from your friends and people that you care.
[00:39:34] About and people's opinions you value. another part of it is when I went through something traumatic, I told a story like 80 times because it really helped
[00:39:43] me, Become numb to it.
[00:39:45] Kristy Yee: Oh,
[00:39:45] Angie Yu: well, maybe that's not a good way to put it.
[00:39:48] That doesn't sound healthy, but like it sounds
[00:39:51] Kristy Yee: a little repetitive sound lower present.
[00:39:54] Angie Yu: Right? But I think, I think it's just a way for your brain to cope with it, to make it not so traumatic,
[00:40:00] Kristy Yee: like normal,
[00:40:00] Angie Yu: like, yeah, your brain normalizes it
[00:40:03] Kristy Yee: because now you've repeated the story to yourself over and over it.
[00:40:05] Then it's not something that's so special or strange.
[00:40:10] Angie Yu: And maybe this is what they mean by when people are like, Hey, talk about it and you'll feel better.
[00:40:15] Kristy Yee: And that's what we're trying to do on this podcast, isn't it? What kind of
[00:40:18] Angie Yu: Northern Lake
[00:40:21] Kristy Yee: crazy conversations. I shouldn't use the word crazy,
[00:40:25] Angie Yu: whatever.
[00:40:26] I'm
[00:40:27] Kristy Yee: uncomfortable. Oh my God. Oh my gosh. And
[00:40:30] Angie Yu: we're talking about her life it
[00:40:33] Kristy Yee: full circle. So many calls.
[00:40:35] Angie Yu: Aye.
[00:40:36] Kristy Yee: I love that we came to that conclusion I also think. I'm a lot more comfortable telling the story now because I'm comfortable in my own skin. I know that I'm not that kind of a person. and I feel like it's actually important to share that story because then it just shows the world that you never know what someone else has gone through.
[00:40:56] Hopefully they could walk away and be more curious about the deeper level of that person.
[00:41:02] Angie Yu: And I think that kind of goes back to the story in our introductions when we were talking about our memories of each other, and . Um, I mentioned that actually when you transferred to her
[00:41:10] Kristy Yee: high school, um, a lot of people didn't like you and they were just like, Oh, like Christie is
[00:41:15] Angie Yu: kind of weird.
[00:41:16] She's
[00:41:16] Kristy Yee: kind of obnoxious. And I was like, Hmm.
[00:41:22] Angie Yu: I don't know what that says about me, but I was like, I bet there is more to it than what you see. And I don't know, I guess I've always just been kind of like drawn to that. Like I will have always wanted to see the sides of different stories, like the friends that I had kind of lost touch with.
[00:41:40] they become very static people, and I'm not saying that like. No. You know what? That sounds really judgmental. I take that back. my relationship with them has become really static. It's not that they've become statics. My connection with them have become static.
[00:41:55] Yeah. There you go. That makes more sense.
[00:41:57] Kristy Yee: Because
[00:41:57] Angie Yu: maybe I'm just not as comfortable with them talking about stories like this. So then your connection, your relationship with someone doesn't exceed that surface level. But like you said, everyone has that story, and I feel closer to you now knowing that you went through this, you know?
[00:42:11] Yeah.
[00:42:12] so thank you for sharing your story with us, Christie, of
[00:42:16] Kristy Yee: course.
[00:42:17] Angie Yu: Yeah. I mean, if we're going to convince other people tell their stories, we're going to have to be vulnerable too. So
[00:42:22] Kristy Yee: thanks for being
[00:42:24] Angie Yu: gladly.
[00:42:25] Kristy Yee: next episode
[00:42:26] Angie Yu: we're going to be talking to all about
[00:42:27] Kristy Yee: Angie's story.
[00:42:28] Angie Yu: Oh yeah. yeah, we'll talk about my vulnerable story, which I mentioned before is a little bit different from Chrissy, but also very similar. Like I said, like I feel like we, have very similar patterns from our childhood, like the emotional neglect coming from Chinese families
