45. Our Shit: What I Learned from Breaking Up a 6 Year Relationship
“I can’t just keep quitting everytime something goes wrong in a relationship”
This is an intimate story about my recent breakup with my partner of 6 years. I share my fear of judgment from friends, staying vs. leaving the relationship, the lessons learned, and how I plan to move forward.
Resources/Mentions
Paired (App for Couples)
Enjoyed this episode? Share with a friend! The best way to support this show is by listening. So thank you.
Got a topic you want us to chat about? Have a question about mental health or adulting as an Asian American? Let us know!
More Episodes Like This
Transcript
HEADS UP: We use AI to help us transcribe so we can spend more time on the podcast. The transcription is not perfect. Please forgive any typos.
Angie: 0:00
So today we're gonna be talking well, I'm gonna be listening and Kristy is gonna be talking about her breakup. she has been in a relationship for a really long time. and, uh, she recently broke up with her boyfriend and she is here to tell us that story.
Kristy: 0:18
Okay, here we go. This is gonna be super uncomfortable. Let's do it. This is another episode of our shit, which means we are updating. Our poop troops with what's going on in our lives, in terms of our mental health, mental wellbeing and where we are at. And sometimes we have some solutions and sometimes we don't
Angie: 1:29
right. So with that said welcome back to another episode of shit. We don't tell mom, this is Angie.
Kristy: 1:34
and this is Kristy
Angie: 1:35
Okay. So FYI to our poop troops, you are hearing this story for the first time. And so am I, I'm also hearing this for the first time. So all my reactions are gonna be genuine. that they were not genuine before, but you know what I mean? So we are going to talk about Kristy's breakup. Ooh.
Kristy: 1:56
Yes.
Angie: 1:56
yeah. I don't know what happened.
Kristy: 1:59
Angie has been very, excited for this conversation because I have been holding it out on her for like months, plural and that's because we wanted to share the story, like in a recording
Angie: 2:16
yeah, because this is part of our shit. Yeah. And this is something that I guess Kristy is okay with sharing. So thank you in advance for sharing, but also excitement is a, not an adequate word for what I'm feeling. I don't know what English word, what I'm anticipatory I'm not anxious. anxious comes off with like very, Yeah. I try not to put a negative spin on, you know, anxiousness because we both have anxiety. but like, I I'm, yeah. I don't know what the word is for it, but
Kristy: 2:50
Oh, okay.
Angie: 2:50
I am both excited to hear and also not excited to hear, because I know that this was a long term relationship and you had known and loved this person for a really long time. So of course, you know, removing that person from your daily life is a whole thing. And it is a whole type of grief on its own. So of course I'm not excited about your grief. but I do wanna know what happened and I do wanna know how you're feeling about it and how you felt about it and how you will feel about it. And also that how many people have you told already other than
Kristy: 3:29
so you can know like how, how, where you rank
Angie: 3:31
yeah. Where do I rank in your, in your list? no, no, no. I just want to know where you are in terms of your processing fuck sakes. My dog.
Kristy: 3:42
well, okay. First of all, one of the reasons why I'm nervous and I keep delaying that's another thing, like we were supposed to record this episode, like weeks ago, but almost every time on the day of the recording, I'm like, no, I don't wanna do it. And I just kept pushing it and pushing it. And one of the main reasons is because I feel like I have built up so much tension and I don't want to disappoint you with the story. And I feel like today's episode is gonna have, this is not a good way to start our episode to our listeners. You're gonna be disappointed.
Angie: 4:18
So just for background, it's not like I haven't spoken to Kristy for all these months and since her breakup, we have been speaking, but this subject has been filtered out, has been screened out. Somehow we both don't ask it. Don't talk about it. Just kind of put it on holds. So that's why I was curious about how many people Kristy have already talked about this with, why would I be disappointed?
Kristy: 4:40
You'll see. Okay,
Angie: 4:41
okay.
Kristy: 4:41
To answer your question, how many people I want to say like three, Oh four. My mom now knows.
Angie: 4:50
I know that you had contemplated about it for a while because there were times where you mentioned it. Even that time before we started our podcast, when we had a gathering and you came over and got really drunk on my rooftop patio, you were even talking about it then. And that was like over two years ago.
Kristy: 5:10
so I've been, I've been dating. I have been, oh my God. What kind of tenses do I use? Jesus.
Angie: 5:15
been you had been dating you dated. You had been dating him. You
Kristy: 5:20
We had dated that. Jesus. This is, this is difficult Oh,
Angie: 5:27
You're focusing on the wrong part.
Kristy: 5:29
okay.
Angie: 5:30
this conversation
Kristy: 5:33
It helps the distraction. Okay. So, um, we had dated for, six years. And for the last three years I have been contemplating breaking up. So
Angie: 5:47
Is quite heavy. I
Kristy: 5:48
a good half of our relationship, I've been thinking about breaking up with this person. And that, that says a lot grant granted the last two years, like since COVID is kind of a blur, so it's all kind of just like meshed together as one year,
Angie: 6:03
Okay. That makes sense. That seem, that seems a bit less dramatic. not that it's not okay, but it's just interesting. It gives me a lot of questions. So of those times where you thought about breaking up with him, what made you not go through with it?
Kristy: 6:18
I don't know if the answers I'm about to give are like real answers.
Angie: 6:22
what do you mean real answers?
Kristy: 6:23
I don't know if I am truly speaking from, you know, Kristy in 2018 or if I'm speaking it in like hindsight, Kristy 20, 22.
Angie: 6:34
okay, well that's okay. I know that our memories don't always serve us
Kristy: 6:39
They're pretty shit.
Angie: 6:41
Yeah. but what was the, okay, what was the gist of why you were contemplating all those plating all those years
Kristy: 6:50
okay. So let me, let me, like, let me just like, talk about relationships in general, from Kristy's experience. Okay. First of all, I have always been a serial monogamous. I've only dated people for long term, and that is by choice. That's my preference. and I find that in every relationship that I have been in. Once the honeymoon once the, once the honeymoon stage have dissipated and that can differ between different relationships. For me, it's somewhere between like the two to three year mark That's when the honeymoon phase starts to phase, I start questioning the entire relationship and I just feel like, every time I hit that mark of like post honeymoon, I end up breaking up with that person okay. I make it sound like it's very like, you know, copy and paste, but every relationship has its own story, but the trajectory, like the pattern is every time I date someone, we go like, you know, two, three years in honeymoon stage is over. I'm like, and then I end up breaking up with the person. Because I fucking love the honey. I mean, who doesn't, who doesn't love the honeymoon stage. Right. But it's like, it's like drugs for me. I wanna keep hitting that high every time. And once the high is over, I'm like next, let me like re reexperience that honeymoon stage again with somebody else. Okay. So I just keep spinning in these cycles over and over and over again until I started to date. I don't even know if I should say his name have, have we said his name on the show before.
Angie: 8:31
No, you can just say your ex-boyfriend.
Kristy: 8:34
Let's call him the lobster. We're gonna call him the lobster. Sorry,
Angie: 8:39
Why lobster?
Kristy: 8:40
because it's his favorite food.
Angie: 8:43
Oh, okay. Call him the lobster.
Kristy: 8:46
So,
Angie: 8:46
Okay. so so Mr. Lobster,
Kristy: 8:49
I actually really like it. It's very endearing. So it wasn't until I got to date Mr. Lobster, it wasn't like, oh my God, I, I started dating him and then. That whole hamster wheel cycle stop. No, no, no. The same thing happened. Okay. We went honeymoon stage. It was most excellent. we get to the three years starts fading, all natural. Okay. I recognize this cycle and I'm like, Hmm, mm let's. Let's not do that again. Let's be a little bit more mature about it this time. Okay. Like I have taken so many lessons learned from all of my other previous relationships and I have brought them into this relationship and it is like, it is probably the, the most mature and best relationship that I've had because of very good communication, et cetera, et cetera. So let's be better Kristy. Let's not. Do the whole hamster cycle thing. Let's stick it out. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about some of these small issues so that it doesn't build up to resentment. Let's like talk about my feelings. If I feel like something isn't great or I feel angry at something or, you know, whatever it is about the relationship that was previously rose colored by the honeymoon stage is now a lot clearer. So let's just, let's just talk about them as they come up instead of like, being immature about it. So that's how I got through the fourth year into our relationship was, putting a lot of effort talking about it and I thought we were doing great because it was a reciprocal thing between the two of us. and. and then at some point in our relationship, around like the fourth and beginning of fifth year, we both had some huge changes in our lives and it was, it basically threw both of us, a curve ball, but curving in different direct.
Angie: 10:45
I was there for that and to someone, let, let me try to speak about it. Like anonymously, basically. What happened was you were you both made career decisions and for him, the career decision, impacted his lifestyle a lot. And for you, your career decision to pursue your masters, with your like, jobs here in Vancouver, it was all going really well for you. You were doing really well, and for him, he pursued something that's completely different. So he had to burn up all his savings. He had to go back to school and then the industry that he was going into became all wishy washy. And there was a lot of uncertainty. So to me, from when you told me about the whole thing, it just seemed like your lives were going in different directions. Is that right?
Kristy: 11:35
Yes, but I don't wanna just like blame it on that as the cause of why we broke up, because we started going down different paths and this is all coming from me. Okay. This is just my version of the story. And it is gonna be a very biased version and it is gonna be a very like hindsight version. I felt like we started walking down different paths. We started behaving like different people and people change. We grow as human beings. I was just so afraid. We were growing apart because this person, oh my God, I didn't know I was gonna get so emotional so quickly. I, I was so confident that this was gonna be my forever person. I felt like all those past relationships have taught me to be a better partner. And it had taught me to be a better partner for him. And I felt like all of his past relationship had taught him how to be a better partner for me. Like I was so sure that this person was different. And even as I'm saying it now, I feel like, oh my God, that sounds so cliche. But. I don't know how else to express it, because that is what I felt. And I clung onto that for a, a long time. That's how I got through like the second half of those three years is because I kept clinging onto the fact that like, no, but this is the person for me, but towards the end of the relationship. I started to notice that he's not the same person as he was when we first started dating and neither am I, and that is totally normal. But what scared me the most is that we weren't growing together. We weren't growing in parallel. We were growing apart and I didn't know what to do. And I we've talked about it so many times. we have had so many conversations that at this point I think it like, it like scared him. It like triggered him every time. I wanna say like, you know, like we should talk about X, Y, Z, whereas before he was like, okay, let's talk about it. Like, he was very open about it. And towards the end, it was more like he was retreating from having these conversations because we just had so many of them and none of them were productive. Most of them were not, I can't say none cuz I have no idea. I didn't keep stats scores, but if I were to make an educated, yes, I would say like nine, 8% of the time we had our conversations, they didn't come up with solid solutions. We didn't have a game plan or an action plan that we could follow through. And if we did, like, we were just like forcing it. It didn't come naturally. Or it just like it. It, it just felt so wrong. And then, and then the same issues would come up again.
Angie: 14:25
right, because from those talks, nothing came of them. So of course they would come up again because talking about it, doesn't always resolve it, talking about it helps processing helps communication. But if there are like underlying issues, it doesn't resolve it. So that makes sense. And it seems to me now, correct me if I'm wrong. It seems to me hearing that small cross section of your conversations with him, it sounds like you brought up these concerns. It affected him. It affected you. It affected the relationship and it put everybody on their toes, but you loved each other too much to, to split up. So each time you had those. Conversations, it kind of sanded down whatever bond you did have together. Like, I guess like what was the percentage? The proportion of serious, scary conversation to like fun dates and things where you can fall in love over and over again.
Kristy: 15:22
It, it honestly like very, the RA. I don't even know how to describe it. We were, we were basically not having fun. We were not going on fun dates and falling in love with each other. We weren't putting our energy into that. We were just putting all of our energy into trying to solve all of our problems. So then the more that we try to do that, the more we just became hyper focused of all the issues that we had in our problems. There were times when we tried, but it, for me, at least, it felt forced, it felt like it was too little too late.
Kristy Yee: 15:53
Okay, this is future editing Kristy here. I want to emphasize that a lot of the hyper-focusing that came from me. I can't necessarily say that he was hyper-focusing cause I, I don't think he was, but I was definitely hyper-focusing on all of our problems. And I do want to say that I think he put in a lot of effort. To have dates and fall in love and do fun things. But because I was super hyper-focused and all the negative things, I felt like all that fun. Fun stuff became forced. And I didn't think he was actually into it. When really I was the one who wasn't super. Super into it. Because how can I be into having fun when the work hasn't been done yet? We still have so much work. That is so we cannot have fun yet. So that was the mindset that i was in
Kristy: 16:46
And the elephant in the room just got so big that it was just sucking up all of the air around us. And we didn't know what to do about it. And because I'm speaking about this on our show and our show prides itself to be like very honest and candid part of me didn't want to break up because I didn't want to do this all over again. I didn't wanna start dating someone else. I don't wanna go out and meet somebody else fall in love again, Get someone to know me at such a deep and personal level, like that is so much work. It seems like work now that I have to like, uh, I such a complicated human as we all are, and to have another person like know and understand not everything because I'm changing all the time, but like know enough about me and still be like, eh, yeah, I'm still cool with this, with all of their like quirks and flaws and everything else. Like it's a long ass story to tell someone basically, and a long ass story for me to absorb from the other end also. And it just, it just seems like the idea of going back out there and dating is fucking exhausting. And I'm like, why do that? When I have someone that I love and I'm confident about, and I feel like this is just one of those challenging times in a relationship and we will get through it because I can't just keep quitting every time something goes wrong in a relationship, let's work this out, stick through it. It is like a horrible time for everybody in the economy. We're just going, we're just going through a rough time. And we, this
Angie: 18:31
Right. The pandemic and all that.
Kristy: 18:33
and, and like everything else, right? Like turning 30, family pressures, et cetera, et cetera. Like these are just going to be like challenges that we are currently facing. And it sucks now, but we're gonna look back at it and that's, what's gonna make us stronger. Isn't that we are what we are told that strong couples go through things together. and that you might not walk at the same pace all the time, because that's humanly not possible sometimes one person's gonna be ahead and sometimes one person's gonna be behind, but that's okay. Right? Like as long as you take on that journey together and you look out for each other, is isn't that what matters in a decent, long lasting relationship? These are all the arguments that I had in my own head for the past three years, because I want to believe that.
Angie: 19:18
But you wanting to believe something and you actually believing something is different. Okay. Now I have a lot of questions about these thoughts, but before I asked them, I wanted to know what. Not what made you, but what thoughts finally led to you actually doing it after all these years?
Kristy: 19:37
In the last few months before our breakup, we were working on this new strategy, I guess this is part of the action plans. We're very like action focused people. Okay. We like sit down, identify a problem and come up with an action plan. Okay. And we like fucking love that shit. So we were working on something that was part of our action plans. and it was actually going quite well. And what this action plan was is, you know how I said, you know, Mr. Lobster started to feel very uncomfortable, almost like scared to have these conversations with me. And for me, I end up being scared to approach him about it. So I kind of like, let it build up And the neither of those things are healthy. We recognize that. So what we said was okay, Once a week, we will set aside time and we were gonna talk about all the shits. Okay. Whatever it is.
Kristy Yee: 20:25
Future editing Kristy here again. So in these weekly meetings, we didn't just talk about the shit. We spent this time talking about our relationship as a whole, what our plans are for the future. Things to help us fall in love again. Reminiscing our memories. We had an app that helps guide us with conversational prompts and the app would also ask us questions. Where each of the person will answer the questions individually. And once the couple have both answered the questions. Then the app will reveal what the other person had said. And sometimes we would spend our meetings just kind of going through some of our answers. Answers and it really helped us get to know each other a bit more. And I had always thought we had very good communication because we hate making assumptions, but the app really helped us. Sometimes they app or our conversations in general will navigate through some trickier. Conversations. And sometimes it. It would just be like a really nice conversation. So basically it wasn't. All shits, but we did have weekly meetings where we got together. And discussed our relationship. And it helped reduce some of Mr. Lobster's anxiety Because before I would just keep wanting to talk about our relationship all the time, and it felt super uncomfortable for him. But knowing that we had time set aside. And knowing what kind of questions the app was giving us that week. We have a better idea of what the conversation will be like. We just felt better emotionally prepared to have that chat. That way we could spend the rest of our times and the other days and hours of the week, not having to worry about like, oh my gosh, Is Kristy going to want to talk about our relationship again? And I don't feel like, oh my gosh, she never wants to talk about our relationship.
Kristy: 22:11
And that was actually going really well. And it was actually at one of those weekly meetings that I dropped the bomb and I said, well, I think we should just break up and like, well, what the fuck? You know, what were you talking about before that? How did it lead up to me dropping the bomb? I'm trying to remember who I was at that moment, I was sitting in my bathroom floor with my back behind my bathtub and I'm trying to like, remember that person right now. Okay. You know what? I'm like literally reading my journal right now.
Angie: 22:55
read it,
Kristy: 22:56
and oh God. Out loud. Jesus. Okay. this is what I wrote, Mr. Lobster. And I broke up today. I'm not completely destroyed yet. And that scares me because it means I have not fully felt the gravity of this. And it might catch up to me later. Neither of us expected this for our conversation today. I wanted to tell Mr. Lobster why I wanted to get married, but that conversation turned into marriage itself. And my thoughts on how. Man. My grammar is no good on how if, okay. I'm just gonna read verbatim. Okay. And my thoughts on how
Angie: 23:38
isn't that? Yeah.
Kristy: 23:42
thoughts if I want it. And he doesn't, then there's no point. He said that the ball is in my court. He says that I need to commit to a decision. So I did, although we have a lot of peripheral issues, it has come down to my version of our future is not the same as his version of the future. I want marriage. He does not. Neither of us want to change
Angie: 24:11
I think that's quite a well thought out and logical response to your breakup. And to me it sounds like. a lot of those conversations you had with him and the conversations you had with yourself were very logical based. I am by no means a relationship expert, but when you were telling me about the reasons why you wanted to stay like, oh, another reason I wanna stay is I don't wanna do this all over again. Another reason I wanna stay is like, he is my person. Another reason I wanna stay is like, I don't why I don't wanna quit again.
Kristy: 24:47
I mean, okay. I he's Al he's just, he's also a, a, just like a great. Person, And it would suck not to have a great human being in my life.
Angie: 24:57
Yeah, and those are super valid reasons not to leave. I think a lot of people, including myself have the same thoughts. When I think about when, when my like thought process goes down that path. I just think in my personal opinion, I think that you or I, or anybody would need a little bit more than those reasons to stay. They're great reasons to stay. They're great reasons not to leave, but they cannot be the only reason to stay is how I feel about it. And when you started talking about those weekly relationship meetings, I hope this doesn't come off like a criticism, like I'm not criticizing what happened. I'm trying to analyze it along with you. So if you think I'm going over board or if I'm stepping outta bounds, like let me know. But, I think what happens when somebody tells the personal story is the listener starts to relate to it on their own personal level. So when you started talking about your, weekly meetings, it reminded me of like an actual job, If something happened and you're feeling like you might wanna quit the job, Thing, of course you look for reasons to stay like, oh, I don't wanna go through the job process again. I don't wanna have to find another job, getting to know my coworkers, getting to know how the job goes, how to, be successful on my role. I don't wanna go through all that again. Plus like, I really like this company and I really like my coworkers, so I don't wanna leave, but if there's something where it just doesn't suit you and the job like you and the job just don't go together, but there's all these other things that makes it great. But you've been thinking about quitting for a long time. Like it doesn't bode well for the future of this job, of you in this job. And, and the thing is I have been through like my current job, for example, I felt that way for a long time. And I came around to it and now I don't want to leave and I want to stay. And I think that's the biggest, difference for me is before I didn't wanna leave. There were many reasons that I wanna leave, but now I want to stay. And I think that's a big difference. And how I got through that hurdle with my job is that I had these, of course I had these performance reviews with my bosses, right. And they were analyzing my performance. Those always gave me anxiety. It was when I was left alone to do my job and then seeing my own work succeed. Did I become more and more like, oh, maybe I can do this. Maybe I am good at this. Maybe I can stay here long term. Maybe I will move up. And if you told me that I had to have a weekly check-in meeting with my boss on my progress, I would've quit right away. Cause I feel like sometimes you just need to be given the space to do your work. And I. That's what I thought when you were telling me about your weekly meetings, but the lack of doing fun things. Cause I feel like a relationship should be fun. There should be opportunities to fall in love with each other, among the, you know, drudgery of everyday life. And if that was something that you didn't share with Mr. Lobster, and you finally got to the part where you're like, well, we don't see the same future. We don't have this, we don't have that. Then it becomes the reasons to leave, start to outweigh the reasons to not leave.
Kristy: 28:17
So I love that you used a work analogy because I think that is so relatable and. What you basically described about, you know, leaving you to do your own work and then seeing yourself progress and then feeling a bit more confident each time you succeed that is basically like the recipe to get out of imposter syndrome. So, so yay side bonus to this episode, we also talk about imposter syndrome.
Angie: 28:44
Yeah, but I feel like you can kind of Transfer that
Kristy: 28:47
it, I think it's a great analogy, Fuck, I wrote down and see, this is what happens when I don't have my notepad. I don't got my pen with me.
Angie: 28:56
Hold on. Everybody. Kristy's just having a major freak out about the lack of list on her.
Kristy: 29:01
okay.
Angie: 29:01
Stay tuned.
Kristy: 29:52
Now here is the fun kicker. Okay. here's the thing that I am most nervous about in this conversation, because I think I'm afraid of from you. fuck.
Angie: 30:05
Wait judgment for me judging what?
Kristy: 30:07
Okay.
Angie: 30:08
Oh, you know? Okay. I think I know what you're talking about. I think in the past I have been a little bit what's that word? Forcing my values upon others. When I heard that and Mr. Lobster, weren't going on date. I was like, nah, man, you gotta have dates. Like do the dates, the dates. You gotta fall in love with each other. You gotta like, keep that
Kristy: 30:30
I, I mean, I agree. I agree. Dates are great and we do need to fall in love and, you know, I think those are very valid, friendly, advices. and I still fully agree with you about those. What I am most afraid of in terms of judgment after that night that I had broken up with him, I had a fucking shit show of a week as I'm sure he did as well, because every single day I changed my mind. So the next day I messaged him about it. And I gave a whole spiel about why my mind changing is valid. I backed it up with a lot of good points. Okay. And let me paint this picture. I am at the end of my semester, I am in like final paper writing mode Okay so I am very academically prepared to write this text message essay. the next day I revert all of my past arguments from 24 hours ago. And I will argue why we need to break up that went on literally for seven days until it got to the point where my last message was. I think we should stay together because of. B C D E F And his response was, this is really fucking overwhelming. It's been an emotional shit show. I need to sit with all of these feelings and process, and that's when I realized I have been the one to dictate everything that has been going on in our relationship. I am the one who starts talking about all of the problems. I am the one who said we should have weekly meetings. I am the one who broke up. I am the one who got back together. And then I am the one who broke up again. And I am the one who got us back together. Again, the entire duration of our crazy roller coaster for. Maybe our whole relationship. I was not really listening to what he has to say. Not really. I will invite him into the conversation, but I don't even know if that's something that he was prepared to do. I just like give him the mic. That's my definition of sharing the floor. But maybe he didn't even wanna be in the room. Maybe he wasn't even ready for a conversation yet. Right. Like I did not ever consider those factors. And of course after like post breakup situations, I do the best and smartest thing people would do. I scroll back on our WhatsApp chat messages. And I'm going like way the fucking back. Okay. I'm like in fucking 20 17, 20 18. And now what I'm seeing is first of all, The way I had described our relationship as being problematic That shit did not happen until like late 20, 19. And he was really fucking good and patient and caring and loving and generous and kind to me. I also saw, I, I did not reciprocate very well and it might sound like I'm being hard on myself and maybe putting him on a bit of a pedestal and like putting a halo effect on him. But the thing is, I am seeing the evidence in the text messages. It's not just based off of memory anymore. Like, I blame him for not attending any of my family functions or my family vacations. But every time he asked me to come to his family functions, I always said no. Okay. That's just like one example I was not very generous. I was not very respectful. I was not very caring or giving. I'm not just trashing on myself because I'm just seeing more of the realities. And I think if I hadn't read any of those text messages, like we mentioned earlier, our memories are shit. I would've formed this whole other narrative About who Mr. Lobster was and how our relationship came to be when really I wasn't taking much accountability or responsibility at all. And I recognized that we are at different places right now. I recognize that there's a lot both of us need to work on, not just for a relationship's sake, but like for ourselves, we need time and space to work on ourselves. Because like I said, last few years, we got thrown some curve balls. We ended up in places that we didn't think we were going to be, and it really messed us up as just like our own human. So of course it's gonna ripple into our relationship and how are we supposed to work on our relationship when we couldn't even work on ourselves yet? How are we supposed to repair something in our relationship when there is something that needs to be fixed within our own person. And so my last proposal to Mr. Lobster was, I definitely think we need to take time apart. We need to work on ourselves. He has admitted that to me so many times, and I just don't think I have given him the space. He has told me a lot of things. That's been hurting him in his life and I wasn't there to support him. And I recognize that. And maybe I can't be there right now. That's something he needs to work on. He needs to deal with some shit on his own, but it also means that I need to work on some shit on my own. And I want to work on how to be a better partner, how to be a kinder person, how to be more generous, not just for Mr. Lobster, but just for any of my relationship, for the sake of my own self growth. I need time and space to work on me before I can even think about touching a relationship. And so my last proposal is I don't think we should break up, but I do think we need a hell of a time apart. And I know that this means I risk us not actually being together because time can definitely drift people apart. I recognize that if I say we're gonna go on a break, especially if it's gonna be like some infinite break, there's a risk that I'm gonna meet another person. He might meet another person. And then it's just like peace. Right. And. I'm okay. I'm willing to accept that risk. And this time apart, I am working on myself to be a better partner to whomever it will be in the future. So what I was most afraid of in telling you, Angie, was that we have not actually broken up that we are on a break and I am so afraid of judgment, What a soliloquy look at you.
Angie: 36:52
I hope you can see that I'm actually smiling right now I'm happy. The last thing I would do is judge you because I've been through very similar situations. And I think it's because we don't really talk about those situations that we are scared of other people judging us. When in actuality they've done the same thing. So first of all, I'm very happy that you guys are not actually broken up. because as you were talking about it, I could tell, like you have a lot of love for him and he does for you the one time I met him. and yes he is. Yes. Do you? Okay, for context,. it was, uh, like a couple days before Kristy's birthday and Mr. Lobster texting me somehow. Sorry. I met him that one time when you came over from my house warming back in 2018 and he came along, I barely talked to him cuz there were so many people just, you know, just insert of flex. Before, when I had more than 10 friends, and then pandemic happened and now I'm like, who are my friends? but, yeah. So I guess that was the second time, so he messaged me. He's like, Hey, I wanna do this recording this video for Kristy's 30th birthday. You know, that year there was a lot of videos. I remember a lot of videos because all of us were turning 30 and it was pandemic. So there was a lot of videos and I was like, yeah. Okay. and I guess he was on a time crunch cuz he had all these people's houses to hit up and he had already hit up a few houses and then he was gonna come meet me, here. But then I told him I had to go drive my car around because my battery died and I drove to, a supermarket and I was in the parking lot. I told him I was in the parking lot. So he drove all the way to the supermarket. He comes over, he's like, hi, hi. He like pulls out these balloons out of his car, he pulls out all these little props and he's like, okay, hold this. And then stand here. And then I'll film. And then he film and I was like, happy birthday Kristy blah, blah. I did my spiel. We finished up. And then he gets in his car and he doesn't leave yet. I think he's like doing his, some texting. I think he's figuring out his like route, whatever, where to go next to hit up all of Kristy's friends. And then when I try starting my car again, my battery died again. And I was like for fuck sakes, and then he noticed. that I was like, standing outside my car, like not moving. He's like, Hey, is everything okay? And I was like, my car battery died. And then he was like, oh no. And then he stayed around. And then I called BCAA. And then when I finally had finished, he like came out of the car. He's like, oh, I'll drive you home. And I thought that was so sweet. And I was like, wow, what a good person? And then we just chatted in the car, you know, and I was like, yeah. Okay. And then I never really like interacted with him again, but I was like, yeah, I like him. of course, like, so you're right. He is a really good person. So of course, like I'm happy that you're not okay. Maybe not. I'm not one to feel happy or sad about your relationship. What I'm really happy about is you recognizing all of these things that you had described, like when you were talking just now there was like no pauses and you're speaking, it came directly from the heart to like, it was just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And to me, I was like, wow, that's growth.
Kristy: 40:10
I just exemplified like self actualization.
Angie: 40:14
The fact that you recognize like, Hey, I'm not perfect. I did all these things. I didn't look at his perspective. I wanna work on myself and he wants to work on himself and then together, maybe we'll find our way back to each other, but we're not calling it quits a hundred percent because we're not ready to just let it go. And I think it takes a different kind of bravery to approach that too, because I don't know if I could do that because to me that's just so anxiety inducing, because I'm like, what if they meet someone else? But again, that's like another, that's another symptom of like, insecurity. So it feels like to me, you are feeling pretty secure about the situation and the amount that you want to improve yourself, exceeds the amount of anxiety over it. So that to me shows a lot of growth zero judgment. Well, I guess positive judgment is still judgment.
Kristy: 41:03
See, what I would love is just to like end the episode there, you know, that'd be great, but here's the thing. all of what I had just said is just my proposal. I have not heard back from him yet about his thoughts. And he had asked for time to think about it. And because I am, I am such an action oriented person. And I had just mentioned, I was the one who's making all the decisions it's been really tough for the last few months. Just not saying anything and giving him that space to just to process, because for me a few months could be like eternity, but for him it's like maybe barely enough time. And I think that's the, that's the hardest part so far, because I, I am still sitting here like a sitting duck,
Angie: 41:52
That would also be extremely anxiety inducing. No. Excellent. I
Kristy: 41:55
so
Angie: 41:56
the,
Kristy: 41:57
I mentioned judgment, yes, I was afraid of judgment from you, but not just you like Angie, but I think in my mind you represent the collective I.. don't, don't ask me why let's not go into that. so in my mind, I was afraid to tell my story because I was afraid of judgment from everybody else. And maybe I am projecting my own self judgment onto other people, because there are still flaws in this proposal that I have written up. proposed. What, what, what is a good term for this, this
Angie: 42:38
the proposal that have forth,
Kristy: 42:41
thank you. See, clearly we are recording this in summer mode because I ain't in school no more. Okay. essay writing. Kristy is gone now, the proposal that I have put forth, there are obvious flaws because what about all that stuff that I talked about, about us growing apart about me wanting marriage and him not wanting marriage? Like these are, these are big items. These are fundamental things in a relationship. Like what about those? And I recognize that, okay. I just wanna put it out there. I recognize that. And maybe part of me is some sort of, uh, you know, has this romanticism in me, but I, I, I want to try so hard. And I think that this is also the next mature thing for us to do as both humans and as partners is. to give ourselves that space to grow, knowing that there's a risk, we might not come back together, but still leaving that as an option that we could.
Angie: 43:36
Yeah. And you know, those are the things you see, what I see is like bravery and honesty, being honest to yourself, like facing those realities, I think is really hard. And yeah, like I know it sounds really cliche and I'm your friend, so I have to support you. But I do think it's very brave what you're doing. I must, but I do think it's really brave what you're doing. Like, I don't think a lot of people can do that. Like, I don't think a lot of people can feel grounded enough to be like, okay, I'm gonna give them space at that. Like, I'm actually gonna give them space. Like, that's a hard thing to do, especially if you. Have a similar background to Kristy and I, where we're like, we're the only children. We had to take a lot of autonomy for ourselves as kids. So we're used to making decisions for ourselves from a young age. So we like being in control, being in control means less anxiety, because it means less situations where we could die basically. So I do think what you're doing is very, very impressive because of those reasons.
Kristy: 44:41
well, we have never done that on the show before.
Angie: 44:43
That's the first time you've heard us make those noises
Kristy: 44:48
It won't
Angie: 44:48
the
Kristy: 44:48
last Oh my,
Angie: 44:51
and like, you know, not to like, you know, Give away too much, but I know that one of the episodes we wanna record this season is about how journaling saved my relationship. And you were there when I told you I had broken up with my boyfriend and then we got back together literally a week later, guess what I was doing there. And that week flipped week flip flopping. I literally called him every day. I will text him and be like, can we talk? And he'll be like, okay, gimme a second. And then he, and then he will either call me back and be like, okay, I can talk now. And then we talked on the phone every day, like similar to what you did, but it was on the phone. And I said, remember like sitting on the floor in my bedroom with my back against my bed. Because I felt so much anxiety. And then after I hang out with the phone, I'm like, as you're being crazy right now, like what the hell, like process your emotions properly? Like, you're the one who initiated the breakup, like blah, blah, blah, blah. So I went back and forth and back and forth, and then we got back together, literally like a week after I have.
Kristy: 46:01
the takeaway is between ed Angie and I one week is the average and it takes 24 hour flip flopping.
Angie: 46:13
Yeah. And the flip flops weren't even like the same flip Flo. Like every time my flip floop, there was a legitimate reason.
Kristy: 46:20
Yes. Yes. Like I'm telling you every time the flip Flo happened, like I had a case. Okay. For both sides. I was,
Angie: 46:29
You were the the prosecution and the defense. Yeah. So, So of course that's why I'm like judgment, dude. I've been there. like almost to the tea.
Kristy: 46:43
okay. Ah, okay. So then the other takeaway is all of that fear that we have about what our friends think, what our family thinks, et cetera, etcetera. So much of it. In our own heads or part of it is a projection of our own self-judgment. And even if people are judging me and I'm sure not everyone might agree with my decisions, like that's okay too, because you do whatever you want with your life. And I do what I want with mine
Angie: 47:11
Exactly. There you go. And bye. No, I'm just kidding.
Kristy: 47:18
Okay. So in today's episode. I shared finally with Angie and all of you listeners, about what's going on with me and Mr. Lobster, our rollercoaster of a breakup, and then non breakup, how I have reached self actualization, but not really just really understanding a little bit more about the areas that I need to work on so that I can become a better partner and the decisions that I have made with regards to my relationship. And I'm gonna end our episode with the last few text messages between Mr. Lobster. And I dated 29th, and I think rest is good. I need some rest too. Mr. Lobster replies. Okay. That sounds good. Let's rest a little, try to sleep some more and eat good smiley face
Angie: 48:05
Aw. I think that's very sweet. You're making a face and I don't really understand.
Kristy: 48:11
visit. I was trying to smile.
Angie: 48:14
It looked a bit forced. I, I think what it is reading, it is probably a bit bittersweet for you because of course it's a nice message, but it also makes you miss. Oh, so dearly and I'm sure you wanna talk to him, but you can't cuz you gotta give him space. Well, thank
Kristy: 48:28
yes.
Angie: 48:29
Well, thank you Kristy, for sharing everything. That's happened with you over this past few months and also just sharing the gist of your journey with yourself through this relationship, the ups and downs, and you coming to a conclusion or not a conclusion, but coming to some sort of a conclusion about Right.
Kristy: 48:51
an action plan.
Angie: 48:52
you like to, you are learning how to love yourself first so that you can love someone else better. And I think that's a beautiful thing. So again, thank you for sharing and, we'll talk to you next episode. We'll see you on the next episode.
Kristy: 49:08
Bye.
Angie: 49:09
Bye. So how do you feel That's actually pretty clever.
Kristy: 49:46
I feel glad that you are now on the same page and I'm honestly gonna use this episode so that my friends will also be on the same page because I have not. Shared this story with many people and I don't want to have to repeat it 5,000 times. yeah, I think in all seriousness, I'm, I'm really glad that I, I was able like, I'm like, basically you now know what's up. You know, and I feel good about that. It's not a relief because it wasn't like there was tension. Well, maybe there was relief because I felt like there might be judgment but the response, wasn't what I had expected. I didn't expect you to be like, you are brave and you are self-actualizing and like, look at all these amazing things you're doing and blah, blah, blah. so, you know, that feels nice to hear. It was, it was really nice to hear you share the story of Mr. Lobster and the car situation. Like a little reminder of like, he's, he's great. He has flaws. And so do I, but it's, it's nice to focus on some of the good things too.
Angie: 50:46
Well, let me know. now that we're on the same page, now, if there's something you need to talk out, I'm, I'm here for you.
Kristy: 50:51
Cool. I, yeah, I I just don't feel like there's, I don't feel like I'm harboring anything on the inside that I feel like I need to talk it out. You know,
Angie: 50:59
That's good. That's
Kristy: 51:01
pretty, like, I feel pretty, fucking liberated, not because like we broke up or not broke up, but just like, yes, I'm still a sit or like more like, yes, I'm still sitting duck. And that, that is a level of anxiety. But for most of it, I feel actually pretty liberated because I have time and space to work on me. And it was a scary thought because Like, I don't know what it's like to be single. I think there is some level of dependency because I've been in a relationship since I was 14.
Angie: 51:31
Yeah, because for us, that honeymoon phase, like having someone take care of us, like, whoa,
Kristy: 51:37
I know. Right. Oh man. It's like the elixir of life.
Angie: 51:42
Yeah,
Kristy: 51:43
I know that's a big extreme, but like that shit is good.
Angie: 51:46
Mm-hmm
Kristy: 51:49
I maybe that's something to explore actually another episode
Angie: 51:51
yeah. Maybe.
Kristy: 51:52
because I've
Angie: 51:53
explode, but
Kristy: 51:54
exploded.
Angie: 51:56
We could explore it. when we record the episode about the journaling saving relationship, because a lot of that came up for me as well.
Kristy: 52:05
Mm, okay. Let's make a note of that. Okay, cool. Cool.
