6. My Therpist Diagnosed Me w. Clinical Depression
Trauma since 9 y.o. Diagnosed with depression at 29. Telling mom about it. It’s Angie’s turn to talk about her spirals, diagnoses, and how stigmas against mood disorders and medication had inhibited her from seeking help earlier.
Highlights:
Kristy and Angie are geniuses and did not read the manual
Why do we succumb to the stigmas of mental health and hurt ourselves in that process?
Finding out decades later that you are genetically predisposed to having depression and anxiety
Leaky holes
Takeaways:
Mental health is just as important as physical health, and needs to be treated as such
Communication with your family is important if there is a history of mental health challenges
Being diagnosed with depression is not a death sentence; you can still lead a very meaningful, good life
Accepting your depression and learning to manage it is like taking back the control of your own ship
Mentions/Resources:
IG: Living Room Series @lrsglobal (Check out Episode 28 w. Steven Ngo, founder of Living Room Series)
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Transcript
HEADS UP: We use AI to help us transcribe so we can spend more time on the podcast. The transcription is not perfect. Please forgive any typos. They can be pretty funny though.
[00:00:00] Angie Yu: We're live. Here we go.
[00:00:04] Kristy Yee: Welcome back to another episode of shit. We don't tell mom today is episode six, six. Oh yeah. Episode six.
[00:00:33] Angie Yu: Yeah. God, what the fuck is that kind of amazing? We're launching the Sunday and we're recording episode
[00:00:39] Kristy Yee: six. My fingers just sweated, as we
[00:00:41] Angie Yu: said that. Sweated my fingers.
[00:00:45] Just what?
[00:00:46] Kristy Yee: Sweat sweated, sweat. It has been sweating.
[00:00:50] Angie Yu: Oh boy. So we're off to a good start.
[00:01:00] Kristy Yee: I love that. I want to put that on a tee shirt
[00:01:02] Angie Yu: well, I, I think nobody would have any idea what you're talking about
[00:01:07] Kristy Yee: fans.
[00:01:08] Well, it could be like an inner circle fan thing. Yes.
[00:01:12] Angie Yu: Um, before we start. I have a question for you. Oh, so far, this is our sixth episode that we're recording. What is the biggest thing that you've learned so far in our podcasting journey that you want to share with our shitters?
[00:01:28] Kristy Yee: Uh, if, if anybody ever wants to use a USB microphone to, to check the manual, I know that nobody reads the manuals. I myself don't read the manual
[00:01:41] Angie Yu: and we have the same microphone. We
[00:01:43] Kristy Yee: realized that we recorded our first three episode with the microphone facing pretty much backwards.
[00:01:51] Angie Yu: It was backwards. You know what? It's very counterintuitive and. When I told my sisters this, um, they were kind of making fun of me and then I sent them a video and and they're like, okay, we'll give you that. We'll give you that. That is. We would do the same thing. So that is a good lesson, um, to always look up the manual just in case,
[00:02:10] Kristy Yee: correct.
[00:02:10] So if you think something is one way,
[00:02:15] always double check don't make assumptions. That's a good takeaway.
[00:02:19] Angie Yu: Yeah. Don't make assumptions. Yeah.
[00:02:22] Kristy Yee: That's it. What about you? I didn't know. You were going to spring a question on me
[00:02:25] now I turn her back on to you. Okay.
[00:02:27] What's your thing.
[00:02:29] Angie Yu: That was going to be my thing.
[00:02:30] That was the best lesson we've had so far
[00:02:37] Kristy Yee: so we apologize that. And like many other things that we have already, my audio
[00:02:43] Angie Yu: audio is a bitch.
[00:02:44] Kristy Yee: Like audio technology. I just, Oh God, I, who
[00:02:48] Angie Yu: knew audio was so difficult. Like every single time we would always play around with the audio and then we would always fuck up.
[00:02:55] Kristy Yee: Oh, my God,
[00:02:56] Angie Yu: . It was just, we were just being stupid.
[00:02:59] Kristy Yee: There was also that one time when we recorded a
[00:03:04] Angie Yu: really. Oh, my God.
[00:03:06] Kristy Yee: Good episode. And
[00:03:09] Angie Yu: about your diagnosis.
[00:03:10] Kristy Yee: Yes. And then halfway through, um, we heard some noises coming from the outside world, so Angie had this
[00:03:13] and she was like, okay, let's take a break. Let's pause. Let's just check to make sure that we don't pick up any of these ugly background noises. Cause that would not be cool when there's like some dude rubbing outside, right? Yeah. So we're like, okay, cool. And then Andrew goes and checks the audio and guess what?
[00:03:17] We weren't recording.
[00:03:19] Angie Yu: No,
[00:03:19] Kristy Yee: if froze. Oh yeah. Sorry.
[00:03:21] Angie Yu: That's what happens? You just overshot there, but that's okay. I'm like, I'll listen to us. Overshot. We're such professional. We have
[00:03:27] Kristy Yee: jargons. Now we were episode while we talked about all these Jargons that we didn't understand from each other. Not really, but like mine,
[00:03:33] Angie Yu: like formative, which I'm like is a very normal word and
[00:03:36] Kristy Yee: dietetics, which is
[00:03:38] Angie Yu: normal for me.
[00:03:40] Kristy Yee: anyways, we checked and the program froze. Yes. That
[00:03:45] Angie Yu: meant it didn't save. And immediately we both just, we were crushed. Like we were both just like, what the fuck? Like, what do we do? And there was no backup. They just didn't record on anything. We still have no
[00:03:57] Kristy Yee: backups.
[00:03:58] So we have, we didn't really learn that much from Oh
[00:04:01] Angie Yu: yeah, well, Hmm, huh.
[00:04:04] we do want to apologize retrospectively, if you notice an audio difference between episode one, two, three, and then it gets a lot better because episode two and three was when we recorded the wrong way in my quote, unquote studio in our studio in my second bedroom.
[00:04:19] Um, but first episode was when we were in the closet. So that's why I still sounded okay. Even though we use it backwards.
[00:04:24] Kristy Yee: Yeah. Our audience probably don't give a fuck about what's
[00:04:28] Angie Yu: w if we can edit it out. Yes. Okay.
[00:04:31] Kristy Yee: So welcome back,
[00:04:36] Angie Yu: everyone. Thanks for listening to our rambling about audio. I swear. It'll be shorter in post production.
[00:04:42] Post-production
[00:04:43] Kristy Yee: is always the best part.
[00:04:45] what we want to talk about today is a continuation of Angie's story. So this was back in episode three. So if y'all, haven't listened to episode three, highly, highly encourage you to go back and listen to that, called meet Angie at the baggage claim.
[00:05:02] And that's where she shared a bit of her. Yeah. I just did a little bit of a, you know, not editing, but. Stuff that I had to type the name for.
[00:05:13] Angie Yu: Yeah. We know a lot of jargons for sure.
[00:05:16] Kristy Yee: I had to do some stuff. And then I had to type some names about some things anyways. Um, that's where Angie was talking a bit about her childhood and a traumatic experience that had happened.
[00:05:23] Yep. Cliffhanger and not cliffhanger. What does it teaser, teaser. Teaser
[00:05:23] Angie Yu: teaser. So shadowing, flashback. I don't know.
[00:05:23] Kristy Yee: No, not anyways. Go
[00:05:23] Angie Yu: back and listen
[00:05:24] Kristy Yee: to it. This episode. We want to talk about where Angie's at now and how she is. Handling her
[00:05:35] Angie Yu: what my life is like after diagnosis. Yeah. My AED, if you
[00:05:40] Kristy Yee: will leading up to,
[00:05:42] Angie Yu: I don't know if he thought my joke.
[00:05:43] No, a D as in like after death, Oh God, you know how before you would be like 300
[00:05:48] Kristy Yee: BC before Christ.
[00:05:50] Angie Yu: Yeah. And now D but now it's called B, C E N C E. Because it's more politically correct, because it's not just based on one religion,
[00:05:59] Kristy Yee: B, C E
[00:06:01] Angie Yu: before common era. Oh, common, common era. And then now it's just common era.
[00:06:07] Kristy Yee: so going back to our episode, um, So last time we talked about this traumatic moment in your, in your life Ange and, um,
[00:06:14] Angie Yu: yeah it was great
[00:06:16] Kristy Yee:
[00:06:18] I had a good time. I'm sure our listeners had a good time.
[00:06:20] but that was almost two decades
[00:06:22] Angie Yu: ago. Yeah. And
[00:06:25] Kristy Yee: this repressed memory just recently came up. Yeah. When it did walk us through, what was your thought
[00:06:32] Angie Yu: process? Right. So in episode three, I mentioned that, you know, when the memory came back up, I was still hesitant to let it kind of fully rise up, but it did.
[00:06:47] And eventually I accepted it. Um, Actually, no, no, I didn't accept it. It was, it was, I shared it with, uh, my, uh, former boyfriend. and that was about it. And I still didn't know what to do with it. It was really until recently. So in episode three, I mentioned that I had a mental breakdown end of January of 2020.
[00:07:07] so after a period of where I was in myself, I was drinking a lot, doing a lot of things. I don't normally do very out of character. Just not really thinking about the future because deep down inside, I had this thought like, well, I don't have a future who knows if I'll be around.
[00:07:26] And it was very, that's really dark. Yeah, it was, yeah, it was very foreshadowing ish. And I did have friends who were concerned, especially my friend, Christine, because I was like, Hey, by the way, I made you my something friend on Facebook. I forgot what it's called, but it's like if you were to pass away, the account would basically be handed over to this friend so that they can take it over and like post on it or shut it down.
[00:07:26] If that's the request. Yeah, like a Memorial friend or something like that. I don't remember, but I made her that friend and I was like, Hey, don't be like, don't be concerned. This thing popped up on my Facebook just made you as my friend, just, you know, you never know, just in case. And I said it really lightheartedly.
[00:07:26] And she was like, Oh, is there, is there something you want to tell me? I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Don't worry. It's it's nothing. But I think it was subconsciously, there was a reason I was doing it. And yeah, so most of the things I was doing, I was behaving really out of character, spending money as if I don't need it in the future, like spending my savings, doing things.
[00:07:26] Just, I feel, I felt like I was running out of time. I was kind of giving myself these checklists, like I need to do this and do this because I don't know if I'll be around. And even when my friend Christine was like, Hey, um, this was before all the pandemic happened, right? So there were still a lot of travel plans in everyone's minds.
[00:07:37] And when my friend Christine was like she said, Hey, um, I want to go to Korea next year. What'd you want to come with me? I'm like, yeah, of course. I'm like, I also want to go to China and see my family for, um, Chinese new year. And then I want to go up North to visit my sister's family, um, again for contest and all my real sisters, but we have very similar backgrounds, so I want to meet their family too.
[00:07:37] Yeah. So there were all these plans that I was just saying yes to everything, but in my mind, I'm like, who knows if it'll happen, in my mind, I would kind of like, yay. I'm there. I'm there. I'm down. But in my mind, I would be like, if I'm still around,
[00:07:37] Kristy Yee: what did that mean to you at the time? Like, if I'm still around
[00:07:42] Angie Yu: for me, I thought I was just trying to live in the moment.
[00:07:45] Hm. to be quote unquote present, but I don't think that's what it was. I think it was something much darker than that much more somber. And, uh, you know, I was thinking about how can I put together my will without. Raising suspicions, you know, I was kind of making like plans.
[00:08:06] Kristy Yee: Did you have any plans of hurting
[00:08:09] Angie Yu: yourself?
[00:08:10] Not yet. I think it was, it was mid January when, um, I went to drop off my friend at the airport. She was going back to China for Chinese new year. And it was, it was. That was kind of when things were starting to calm down, um, socially and I remember driving home and I was crossing the Arthur Lang bridge and I could see, you know, the lights of Vancouver, the lights of Richmond.
[00:08:21] It was quite pretty. And I kind of looked over at the bridge and looked at the railing. I was like, Oh, these railings are really low. Like, it would really, it would be really easy to jump off these railings. But then I looked over at the other side, I'm like, Oh, that's not a very nice view to die too. So I wasn't making plans like, Hey, I'm going to pull over and do that.
[00:08:43] But there were these very intrusive thoughts coming into my head. And at the time I was just kinda like, Oh, ha ha. Like, that's not a very nice view to jump off a bridge. Right. So it wouldn't be this bridge.
[00:08:56] Kristy Yee: It's the fact that these. Thoughts came into your mind. And it almost sounds like it wasn't even a conscious thought because you were just driving it.
[00:09:04] Wasn't like, let's come up with some ways this can happen.
[00:09:08] Angie Yu: It was not conscious at all.
[00:09:09] Kristy Yee: It happened. You looked over the thought, crossed your mind. And I think that's where, um, that's where the first sign gets to be missed easily because it's not a conscious
[00:09:20] Angie Yu: thought that's right. But it was very. Like I said, very intrusive in a stayed with me and that thought, and for me, my thoughts don't come in voices, which was also something I found out as well as that.
[00:09:34] I don't really think in sentences, I think in pictures or like abstract concepts, which is why I write, because writing for me is a way to express my emotions because. Otherwise, it's just random, like vibrations in my brain, if that makes any sense. But for me, like the image of me jumping off that bridge was really scary.
[00:09:51] So when I saw that bridge and was like, Oh, that's not a very,
[00:09:51] Kristy Yee: I
[00:09:51] Angie Yu: set that out loud to myself. Right. So I looked over and then as soon as I looked over at the bridge, I see. Like a short film of me jumping off that bridge. And then I kind of like turned back to the road and I said out loud to myself, that's not a very nice of you to jump off too.
[00:10:04] And, uh, yeah, I probably decided then and there that I would not jump off, like that's not my preferred way to go. yeah, so it was a very interesting thought and. It was very confusing because it was a very dark thought and I didn't know what to think of it.
[00:10:21] Kristy Yee: So then what happened
[00:10:22] Angie Yu: after? So about a week later, it was Chinese new year and I went to dinner with my mom
[00:10:28] We were at the keg on Chinese new year. I know you're last
[00:10:32] Kristy Yee: appropriate. What's appropriate. It just, yeah, that was a definite Y
[00:10:39] Angie Yu: yeah, just because it was Chinese new year. I didn't feel like cooking, you know, I love cooking, but during this period, when I was really depressed, You barely touch that stove.
[00:10:48] Yeah. When you're
[00:10:48] Kristy Yee: depressed, you tend to not want to do the things that used to bring you joy.
[00:10:53] Angie Yu: And that's one of the questions on the diagnosis is happy, lost interest in things that you normally find a lot of interest in. Yeah.
[00:11:00] So we were at the keg and we were talking and of course the conversation came up again about the very, very ugly breakup. And of course, you know, I start crying but that's not why I was crying. I was crying because I just felt like I was letting my mom down.
[00:11:17] Hmm. I'm her only daughter. And I was just thinking like, I can't ever do that to her. It would be really difficult for her to live the rest of her life, if something were to happen to me. And she has made that known to me many times, she has said things like don't be depressed,
[00:11:37] Kristy Yee: very straightforward.
[00:11:40] Angie Yu: very, very straightforward and super specific like I remember I, uh, scratch my car in the parking lot. Um, because again, when you're depressed, you're not really thinking properly. And then my mind was somewhere else and I scratched my car.
[00:11:49] My mind was always somewhere else. And I told my mom, she's like, I'll pay for it. I'm like, no, no, no, it's fine. I can pay for it. She's like, no, no, I want to pay for it. I'm like, why? Like what it's I did something bad. It's this is my consequence. Right? Just my train of thought. Like, so I asked my mom, why would you want to pay for it?
[00:11:59] And she said, because I don't want you to be depressed. So
[00:12:03] Kristy Yee: you knew that you were going through these stages of
[00:12:08] Angie Yu: depression and
[00:12:10] Kristy Yee: she could see that in you. And, and it sounds to me like she was just, I know she's coming from a good place. She's wanting to help, but she's also throwing money at the problem in a way it
[00:12:20] Angie Yu: was like she was helping me.
[00:12:20] Trying to, like, I was clearly repressing it, but it was like she was consciously or maybe, maybe subconsciously as well. Like she was trying to help the suppressing or the repressing.
[00:12:29] Kristy Yee: Cause we're not actually addressing it head
[00:12:31] Angie Yu: on exactly.
[00:12:32] Kristy Yee: Right. We're not like having a conversation and be like, Hey Angie, I think you're depressed.
[00:12:37] Let's talk about it.
[00:12:38] Angie Yu: It's going to be some support. Yeah. Because the, the, you know, all these things like spending the money and whatever, and yeah. You know, scratching my car. These are all symptoms of my depression and like not wanting to cook, like having a really messy apartment. These are all symptoms.
[00:12:54] And she was basically trying to ease the symptoms because she was also like, I can come over and help you clean your apartment. I'm like, no, don't do it. But you know what? While I was in Toronto, like during my manic phase, my parents came over and cleaned my
[00:13:06] Kristy Yee: place. I mean, that's really nice.
[00:13:09] Angie Yu: It's really nice.
[00:13:10] Like it's really sweet and I felt so bad.
[00:13:12] Kristy Yee: I think it's the only way that they feel like they could help, especially because mental health is not talked about in most Asian families. Yeah. And I feel like they can see something's going on with you. They want to help you. They don't know how to support you.
[00:13:28] That's what they will do it in the way that they know how, which is by doing things for you. Right. So
[00:13:33] Angie Yu: acts of service, um,
[00:13:35] Kristy Yee: or, or putting money into it.
[00:13:37] Angie Yu: Yeah, that's right. Because those are literally the two things that Chinese parents know how to do.
[00:13:42] Kristy Yee: Yep. And we value the most.
[00:13:44] Angie Yu: That's right. That's right.
[00:13:46] Yeah. That's what
[00:13:47] Kristy Yee: they want to give you is the thing that they felt like about it that
[00:13:49] Angie Yu: way. Oh, now I feel really sad because I feel like I took them for granted.
[00:13:54] Kristy Yee: No, it just shows how much they love you and that they're really want to support you. They just didn't know how to express their love and
[00:14:00] Angie Yu: support, right?
[00:14:02] Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So that night at the cake, I was trying to express my. Emotions, like what was actually going on. So I finally told my, I never actually said the words I'm depressed. I'm just saying like, I'm not me. Like, there's something going on and I don't know what it is. And yeah, like we just ended, like, I just ended up bawling my eyes out that keg..
[00:14:23] Kristy Yee: So up until this point, you haven't seen anybody for any support at all? No, but these repressive memories just recently came back.
[00:14:31] You also went through a really messy breakup at the time. So there was a lot going on.
[00:14:37] Angie Yu: I think he could see that there was something really difficult going on. yeah. And then, so that was the Chinese new year, weekend. Um, and then on Monday was my first appointment with my therapist.
[00:14:44] I hadn't spoken to her since October when I made the appointment. And in October I was like, hi, right. Like I was high on life. Um, so I sat down and I kind of told her the gist of it. Um, I had a really good act put on like this performative act because I hadn't felt comfortable enough for her to see my dark side yet.
[00:14:44] Kristy Yee: , what was this act?
[00:14:44] Angie Yu: You know, being really having everything together, being really bubbly, really chirpy, very extroverted, like, hi, nice to meet you. Like thank you so much for meeting with me. Um, I'm so glad you're weightless opened up. Like these are all very performative lines, right? To, to, to get the other person to respect you or to get the other person to like you just very.
[00:14:44] Emphasis on decorum.
[00:14:44] Kristy Yee: It almost to me sounds like how, at least for me, it's how I would behave. When I first meet someone new anybody who's new, let alone a therapist. That's right. It would be like, if I'm fucking networking, that's how I'm going to be.
[00:14:44] Angie Yu: That's right. So I was like, basically all my networking mode.
[00:14:44] Kristy Yee: it almost sounds like it's compensating for what you're actually feeling on the
[00:14:44] Angie Yu: inside.
[00:14:44] Kristy Yee: Extra bubbly, extra saddle on the inside. So you need to hide that even more. Um, and then it, so then you become even more perky.
[00:14:44] Angie Yu: Yeah. We're social socializing mode, but it was really fucking hard to do that. It was so hard to put on that face when I was. Dying on the inside.
[00:14:44] Kristy Yee: You just want to be under the covers and be there forever. Exactly.
[00:14:44] Angie Yu: so the first thing we did, she got me to do this. Like, I think it's called like the DSM five or something.
[00:14:50] It's a very decent five. Yeah, I did it. So this was Monday, Monday morning. And, uh, I was coming off of my, this was like the third day of my no second day of my breakdown. And, uh, yeah, so she, I did it, she goes, okay. So it looks like you are exhibiting some pretty major depressive symptoms and, it's definitely something that I am happy to help you with. And then she kind of went over the plan of what she can offer, which is CBT, which is also known as psychotherapy psychotherapy, but CBT sounds
[00:15:08] Kristy Yee: less. So CBT is for those who don't know as cognitive behavioral therapy. That's right.
[00:15:14] Angie Yu: Um,
[00:15:14] Kristy Yee: and then also DSM-V is, is basically this diagnostic manual with all these different types of mental health diagnoses in it.
[00:15:23] So it goes, it's like everything, everything related to mental health. Um, and then it's basically a book to say, like, this is how you diagnose someone with that. Yeah. Side note for folks.
[00:15:23] Angie Yu: Yeah. So, um,
[00:15:23] Kristy Yee: and of course, a lot of this is
[00:15:24] Angie Yu: you report the symptoms yourself, right? So how severe it is. And that's the thing with mental health is the same thing goes with physical pain, right?
[00:15:31] It's subjective. It's different for everyone, but if you feel like your symptoms are bad, there's no shame. There's no shame in admitting it because I had, I felt a lot of shame around admitting the fact that I was in such a dark place. I felt like it would just be easier to just not be there at all. Like not be here at all.
[00:15:47] So during the session, so she diagnosed me with, you know, exhibiting some very major depressive episodes and, um, I felt relief. Oh, I was overcome with a sense of relief. It was kind of like,
[00:16:01] now it can be sad,
[00:16:03] Kristy Yee: uh, cause there's permission to be sad. That's right. There is a reason why you're feeling these things. That's right. So you can allow yourself to actually go through those emotions and whatever thoughts that you need to go through rather than push them away or put them onto something else.
[00:16:23] Angie Yu: That's right. Because I'm a very rational person or at least I thought I was always a rational person. At least I like to rationalize things.
[00:16:23] Kristy Yee: Yeah. You can still be rational and like have feelings. It's not a one or the other. I have the right terminology. Yeah. One is not, does not exclude the other. Yeah.
[00:16:23] Yeah.
[00:16:23] Angie Yu: But I think like, anyway, like yeah, did a reason. I needed a reason and. I was finally allowed to cry, you know, and I broke down in her office of course. we established that. I was going to see her weekly from that moment on.
[00:16:36] And after the meeting, I went back to my desk, I sat down and I see that she sends me an email and it was basically a handout on depression.
[00:16:47] And just seeing that it was. Seeing that on paper and like printing it out and seeing that it was like seven pages of definitions and worksheet and, you know, stuff like that. Just, it really solidified that. And it was kind of like a many, many years of suspicion on a piece of paper. I just remember sitting there holding it and just staring at that piece of paper.
[00:17:17] Kristy Yee: What were your thoughts at that point when you were staring at that piece of paper and the diagnosis was there
[00:17:25] black and white?
[00:17:27] Angie Yu: What was my thought
[00:17:30] was kind of like disbelief. It was kind of like, Oh ha yeah, I guess, I guess I'm depressed. Ha ha. ha ha ha Hmm. So it was kind of, I don't know, denial is that denial
[00:17:41] Kristy Yee: sounds like it. Yeah.
[00:17:44] Angie Yu: Yeah. Like, yeah,
[00:17:47] Kristy Yee: it sounds He was
[00:17:49] Angie Yu: kind of like, ha ha
[00:17:51] Kristy Yee: ha. I'm like.
[00:17:55] Angie Yu: It is like, that was my thought. I was like, Oh, hi, I guess, I guess I am depressed.
[00:18:01] But
[00:18:01] Kristy Yee: like, what is like, I feel like there's so much behind that. Ha you know, I think a big part of it sounds to me like, There's a lot of sadness behind that. Haha. But brushing it off for yourself, like you're not doing this for anybody, but it's, it's in your face now, now that there's all these years of suspicion, but now it is a tangible concrete.
[00:18:25] thing that you're holding in your hands in this piece of paper
[00:18:29] Angie Yu: Yeah. And then I put the piece of paper down, put it in my backpack. Went to the bathroom, went into the handicap stall and broke down again. Yep. It's too much.
[00:18:40] Kristy Yee: It was just too much to handle. I
[00:18:42] Angie Yu: was it, even though I saw it coming, it doesn't matter. It was still a lot and yeah. You know, it's like one of those things where people delay being diagnosed with anything, mental health or physical health, because it's confirming a suspicion that you want to escape from.
[00:19:07] Kristy Yee: Nobody wants to know what that lump is about. Okay. Nobody wants to fucking biopsy. Yeah.
[00:19:12] Nobody wants to get sick. Nobody wants to, you know, have confirmation that they've got kidney issues or they have cancer or any of that. Because it, sorry, but I think there is still shame and there is embarrassment with that, but I feel like it's a different. Magnitude compared to with mental health. Cause it's not, sometimes it feels like it's not something you can control.
[00:19:37] Angie Yu: That's right.
[00:19:37] Kristy Yee: So then that makes it more acceptable.
[00:19:41] Angie Yu: Um,
[00:19:41] Kristy Yee: whereas when it's mental health, there's a perceived conception that this is something that you to fix, you can control this. Right. And so when you're going through the motions of actually experiencing mental health symptoms, then you're like, Either one, you just don't even acknowledge it or you were pressing it. Right. And then when you, when it's so pertinent, like when it's so obvious to you, then you start having suspicions, but you still don't want it to be confirmed because there's so much shame that comes with that because now it's your fault.
[00:20:13] Angie Yu: You know what that is? Stigma
[00:20:15] and stigma is what prevented me from seeking help for so long. Yeah.
[00:20:20] Kristy Yee: I think in both physical and mental health, early diagnosis is so important.
[00:20:25] And regardless if it's physical health or mental health, they are both equally as important. Because your overall health spectrum is not just one sided. It's not just about the one thing. It's all of it. It's including your emotional health and your mental health and your physical health. And why is one more L more stigmatized than the other?
[00:20:47] And why is there more resources in one area than the other? Right. And that's, that's the conversation that we need to start changing.
[00:20:55]
[00:21:05] Angie Yu: that week I made an appointment on the Friday. I go into my family doctor's office and I kind of, and I've been seeing her since I was really young as well.
[00:21:10] And I hadn't seen her very often recently, and I kind of told her what was up and she was really taken aback and she was like, I ha I had no idea you were going through this. Um, You know, I can be of help to, and then again, I did the DSM five. Mm yeah. And I was like, okay. All right. Okay. And then I did that.
[00:21:24] She diagnosed me with depression as well as my therapist. Um, she gave me some handouts about the possible solutions such as CBT and medication. Um, and when I saw the handout by the medication, I was very dismissive of it because I'm like, no, I don't want to go on antidepressants. I don't want to be a pill popping Becky.
[00:21:42] And you know, like, I don't want to. Become the stereotype because of the stigma
[00:21:46] Kristy Yee: I was like, is that stigma I'm
[00:21:48] Angie Yu: hearing? it's exactly stigma. And, um, the thing that she said to me right after, as those thoughts were going through my head, the thoughts, you know, like what we said last time, like individual consciousness is collective consciousness.
[00:22:00] Like where would my stigma of mental health come from? I have had zero history. Have interactions with anybody with mental health, where would it have come from? If not from the general population stigma against mental health and, you know, my doctor, she was explaining to me how the medical system deals with mental health.
[00:22:15] And she said, you know, in the medical industry, we actually treat depression Just like we treat diabetes. so I was like, Oh, okay. Tell me, like, tell me more. And she said, well, you know, the thing with either of those is there's no cure for it. It's a lifelong management of the quote unquote disease. And a lot of it can be a lot of the symptoms can be eased and reduced by a healthy lifestyle. In both diet, exercise, sleep, and just having a good lifestyle. a lot of it comes down to lifestyle and with depression, it's the same thing. You know, depression can be triggered by a really traumatic event or there can be genetic components to it as well.
[00:22:53] the, the fact that she gave me this comparison between diabetes and depression, she says, you know, it's not a life sentence, sorry.
[00:23:01] It's not a death sentence.
[00:23:08] Cause he knew exactly what I was talking about are correcting. Um, yeah. She's like being diagnosed with depression is not a death sentence. Um, you know, just like diabetes, there can be very fatal. A very fatal cases, but a lot of people lead very good lives with diabetes and with depression.
[00:23:26] Kristy Yee: Correct. A lot of it is just about
[00:23:29] Angie Yu: understanding the disease and understanding your own case of it and managing it, um, with your like incorporating the management of it into your lifestyle. And you can,
[00:23:38] Kristy Yee: you can, as long as you manage it, I mean, for sure, there's still some stigma behind diabetes.
[00:23:43] with mental health. There's more shame and embarrassment about utilizing the care that we'd have today. On how to take care of yourself, but regardless it's a disease. You still have something and you need to manage it.
[00:23:56] Whether or not that's through medication or through some other means you still need to manage it. But it doesn't mean that it doesn't mean you're defined by your diagnosis. Like you are not diabetes and you are not depression. Like I don't look at you and I'm like, you're not. It's just a walking thing of
[00:24:12] Angie Yu: depression.
[00:24:13] Oh, really good. Cause sometimes I, you feel like I'm a walking thing of depression,
[00:24:18] Kristy Yee: but people feel like they, they are defined by their diagnosis.
[00:24:23] Angie Yu: That's right.
[00:24:23] Kristy Yee: Even if it's physical people feel like they're different. Find by their cancer or find by their diabetes. I am just diabetes or I am just a cancer patient.
[00:24:32] No, you're not. You're a human being with so much other stuff. Right. But it's all about the management process. And then also about trusting the resources and utilizing the resources as well. And. There's so much, there's so much stuff about medicine, like big pharma and all
[00:24:46] Angie Yu: of that. And that's like a whole
[00:24:46] Kristy Yee: other thing that's a whole other thing to go
[00:24:46] Angie Yu: in.
[00:24:46] That's not really the style of our
[00:24:46] Kristy Yee: podcast. No, but it's, it's just, we're just trying to say, like, there are resources out there. There are various ways to manage things and we need to look at mental health the same way that we look at physical health. Yes, whether it's a broken leg or diabetes, I agree.
[00:24:58] You're going to need to go to the doctors and you need to get some
[00:24:59] Angie Yu: medicine. Yeah. And hearing, that comparison and hearing what my doctor has said to me about mental health, I felt so much better, right? Because we have this ill conceived notion that only a medical professional knows best.
[00:25:13] But, you know, in hindsight, the CBT has helped me way more than the. Straight up medicinal side and you know, eventually I did get the medication about a month later, I thought I was doing better. You know, I was like, I've been off work for four weeks. I started running. I started cleaning my apartment, just living everyday, doing something a little bit productive every day, getting my life back together.
[00:25:38] But then about four weeks after I had another mental breakdown, um, Because that, again, that, that, those couple of days I went to my parents and slept on their couch and the bed. I was like, I did not want to sleep in the bed. Like I just didn't want to just want to sleep on the couch. And yeah. And I had a bright break down.
[00:25:43] I just started crying and I just felt an immense amount of pain. And I was literally like rocking back and forth, asking myself why isn't this going away? Like, I want this to go away. Like, why is it not going away?
[00:25:59] yeah, the next day I made an appointment with my doctor and I told her, you know what, I want the drugs, give me the trucks, give me the drugs. I want the drugs. And I think some of it is placebo as well. Because eventually when I did get the drugs, you know, it's funny because I bumped into you that day at chapters and you were like, Hey, how's it going?
[00:26:20] And I was all chirpy. I was like, Oh, it's all good. Um, you know, I just got some meds and you were like, Oh, what? Um, yeah, it was like extra bubbly that day. Wasn't I? Yeah. Yeah. Um, but yeah, it was just. You know, what's funny after you left. After we part ways I met up with my mom because you know, this whole, my mom has been kind of a really big support.
[00:26:39] Uh, my mom has been a very big supporting beam in all of this. Um, so I met up with her again when she was off work and she asked me how the doctor's appointment went. And I said, um, I got some medication and she's like, yeah, you know, it's okay to take medication. Um, your, your grandma, my mom has been on medication since she was like 50.
[00:26:56] I was like, what's her depression. I was like, what kind of medication? And my mom's like, Oh, I don't know it's called this. And she said it in Chinese. So I looked it up. And she was on benzos benzodiazepines for like 30 years, way before I was born. And I'm like,
[00:27:13] Kristy Yee: wow, I didn't even think about that.
[00:27:13] Angie Yu: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:27:13] Before I was born. Oh my God. It's
[00:27:13] Kristy Yee: so weird to think. Okay.
[00:27:13] Angie Yu: And I looked over at my mom and I started laughing. We're standing in Metrotown right in front of lush. I'm holding my medication. I'm holding my bag of. Antidepressant meds. I look over my mom, I'm laughing at her and I'm like, how come? You've never told me this, that clearly there's a history of mental health problems in our family.
[00:27:42] Right. I can't even say mental illness. There's a history of mental illnesses in my family, in, in our, in our family. Like I look at her and I'm like, why have you never told me this? Like, I never knew that Apple. Which is what I call my maternal grandmother was on medication. And she's like, the thing is my mom's reaction was, Oh, like she thought about it.
[00:28:01] She's like, I don't know why. I never told you. She's like, I guess I just didn't think it was something that we tell each other
[00:28:09] Kristy Yee: subconscious shame,
[00:28:11] Angie Yu: subconscious shame. Yeah. And I was like, For 35
[00:28:16] Kristy Yee: years. Oh my gosh. I mean, knock on wood. If grandma had diabetes, you would know.
[00:28:23] Angie Yu: I would know. That's what I said.
[00:28:24] I'm like my other grandma has diabetes. And as soon as she was diagnosed, it was told to the entire family. Everybody would know, everybody knows. Oh, she has. And my mom has high blood pressure. Everybody knows.
[00:28:35] Kristy Yee: But yet nobody talks about it. When it's mental health,
[00:28:38] Angie Yu: and the thing is my mom has always told me about how intelligent my grandma Apple is.
[00:28:42] And my mom sometimes will say things like sometimes I think she's too intelligent. but yet my mom has never brought up the fact that, Hey, Like, you know, she's been suffering too. And my mom's like, yeah, like she was on benzo diazepam for like 30 years, but then five years ago, um, her health took a turn for the worst.
[00:29:01] She went to the, she went to the hospital was diagnosed with nothing, but she had all these physical symptoms, but no physical test came up with anything. And my uncle who is a scientist in the U S. Who's trying to kill cure cancer, but you know, that's good for him. So he was like, maybe she has depression.
[00:29:17] Cause before when she was on benzos, it was for her anxiety. was like, maybe she's depressed. And then they put her on some sort of depression. Like, I don't know, like Valium or some shit like that. Like some sort of antidepressant that's not really used in North America anymore. And she felt better immediately.
[00:29:34] Kristy Yee: Yeah, physical manifestations of what's going on on the inside.
[00:29:40] Angie Yu: That's right. Yeah.
[00:29:41] Kristy Yee: That's right. And it's so interesting because it's, it's the subconscious, um, shame. Yeah. That it's not like, Oh yeah, hush, hush. Don't don't tell anybody like this is our family secret, you know, like we're not going to tell anybody that.
[00:29:58] Grandma's on antidepressants. No, that's conscious. That's right. Um, but this is subconscious. Your mom didn't even realize that she didn't tell you, but how important is it? Right. Like any time you take any sort of medical, anything there'll be like, what is your family history? Always. If there's like, if there's cancers, diabetes, heart problems, hypertension, all of that.
[00:30:18] Yeah. You, you better know shit. That's right. And if you don't, you better go and ask your parents now because you will need to know what that is to get the best healthcare possible. And it also prepares you on how to manage your life. Style. So that either one, it prevents you from getting it or to help you manage it when you do get it.
[00:30:39] Right. And then you know that you're like, hereditarily predisposition to have something like this, but we don't talk about
[00:30:46] Angie Yu: a week. I know
[00:30:48] Kristy Yee: it's the same shit. Right? You go through the same
[00:30:50] Angie Yu: fucking album. I know. And the thing is like immediately after I found out the reason why I was laughing, holding my bag of antidepressants I'm Metrotown just laughing.
[00:30:59] Like a crazy person. Cause you know, I felt crazy at that moment. I was like, mom, like, do you realize maybe I would have gotten help sooner if I had know? And she was like, Oh my God, I guess so. And she likes, she was just like, I'm so sorry. I'm like, it's okay. You, you, you didn't know to tell me, I guess. And then she told me a story about her when she was 15.
[00:31:24] She was at boarding school back then, because you know, like villages, you cannot get access to good school in the village. So you got to JTFO. My mom was at boarding school. She failed her physics test and she was always the number one student in like everything. Right. But she failed her physics test.
[00:31:39] She was, it was her first year of being away from home. And I think, but that's not really talked about, right? Yeah. So she just quit school. She just went home. Um, for three months, she didn't do anything except sleep. She would wake up, eat, go back to sleep for three months. And my mom was, was kinda like the, like the village flower, like all the, all the young people had a crush on her and one of my uncles, my, my mom's brothers overheard a conversation between these men or young men who are like, Oh, did you hear like, blah, blah, blah, is back.
[00:32:05] From school, um, kind of like talking about how excited they were to have her back at the village and one of the guys like, yeah, but didn't you hear? She went crazy.
[00:32:13] Kristy Yee: Oh my God.
[00:32:14] Angie Yu: Like in Chinese it was like, Oh,
[00:32:18] Kristy Yee: Oh my God.
[00:32:19] Angie Yu: Yeah.
[00:32:21] Kristy Yee: But it's so like, it's really bad. It's so bad.
[00:32:24] Angie Yu: It's really bad. But my mom didn't even go quick.
[00:32:27] She was just depressed. Yeah. But, but she was considered. Crazy like, like psycho, like FOLA Oh my God. Yeah. And, and I'm sure that experience after being told that by one of her brothers, like, I'm sure that made her think mental ha being depressed as bad, and then everything
[00:32:44] Kristy Yee: never show that side of me ever.
[00:32:46] Angie Yu: Exactly. And then everything started making sense to me. Why is she always says things like, I don't want you to be depressed. Don't be depressed. I just want you to be happy. If you're happy. I'm happy. I don't want you to become a lawyer because it's two, six, two, two successful, too stressful. Like she'll literally say things to me.
[00:33:05] Like, I don't care. I just don't want you to be stressed.
[00:33:09] Kristy Yee: And
[00:33:09] Angie Yu: it's just, it was always so opposite from what other Asian parents were saying to their children. So I was like, does my mom not want me to be an achiever? Like, does she not want me to achieve anything in life? But now everything makes sense.
[00:33:21] It's because she's been through all this
[00:33:23] Kristy Yee: and she doesn't want you to go through it again.
[00:33:25] Angie Yu: Yeah, she doesn't want me to go through what she went through, but you cannot prevent it from happening, especially since we're, hereditarily predisposed to it. And the thing is, after three months, my mom like woke up one day and was like, okay, I'm going back to school.
[00:33:40] Went back to school, aced, everything gone to a really good university. And now we're here. And she applied to immigrate to Canada, which, you know, Within the circles. I know I still haven't met anyone whose mom applied to immigrate rather than dad. So I'm really proud of my mom for that. Yeah. But also like my mom, why didn't you tell me all this stuff earlier?
[00:33:58] Right? It's like that thing that stats that we share with each other, like Asian-Americans are three times less likely to seek mental health services. And by the time that they actually reach out, like, in my case, by the time I actually reached out, it was. Because I was having suicidal thoughts. Like it's it, by the time you actually reach out your symptoms have gotten so bad.
[00:34:19] Yeah. Right.
[00:34:21] Kristy Yee: Always early detection. Is best physical, mental, all of that. And I feel like a lot of it, your mom was just trying to protect you because she went through a lot of the shame and the stigma of being depressed. And she doesn't want you to one actually go through depression cause she's been through it.
[00:34:37] And then to having that societal shame around it also, and it almost made me, like I thought about what did I, okay, what am I trying to say? When you were telling that story? I thought about me. As you're like in your mom's shoes, right. Hearing that. And I would be like, Oh my God. Then that makes me unmarried bubble.
[00:34:59] Yes. Because nobody wants it. Nobody wants a crazy person. Crazy girl.
[00:35:03] Angie Yu: And that's what I think too. And that's what I still think. Like, who would want to date someone who's depressed, who would want to be around someone who's depressed all the
[00:35:13] Kristy Yee: time? Who would want to date someone that has diabetes? You see that house?
[00:35:19] That sounds fucked up when I say it like that, right? Yeah.
[00:35:23] Angie Yu: That's right. You would, you wouldn't be like, Oh, I don't want to date that girl because,
[00:35:23] Kristy Yee: cause she has heart problems. Cause she has high blood
[00:35:23] Angie Yu: pressure because her family has a history of high
[00:35:23] Kristy Yee: blood pressure. Like that's fucked up. Right. But that's essentially what we're saying, but a lot of who have mental health illnesses.
[00:35:27] That's right. And, and it's interesting that you bring up, um, okay. This was way back, but when you were bringing up. Uh, how you first got your medication? Yeah. At chapters. And I bumped into you. I think that night I sent you a little, like me, my thing, it's not even a meme. It's like an internet quote thing,
[00:35:45] Angie Yu: like an ag thing.
[00:35:46] Kristy Yee: I sent it to you and it was so crazy serendipitous because I saw it that day right after I just bumped into you. And you're like, Oh, Hey, I just got my. Bag full of antidepressants
[00:35:57] Angie Yu: shake, shake, shake. I don't know
[00:35:59] Kristy Yee: how I feel about it. Right. And I think I could sense a little bit of the shame and embarrassment, but you are still open enough with me to tell me about it, but you were still.
[00:36:09] Not
[00:36:09] Angie Yu: sure about
[00:36:10] Kristy Yee: how you felt about having medication. Exactly. You being medicated.
[00:36:15] Angie Yu: You got it now hit the nail on the head.
[00:36:18] Kristy Yee: And so that night on Instagram, I saw this beautiful quote from a dietician. Her name is Renee little and she writes food is not medicine. The reason for this is because as dietitians.
[00:36:33] A lot of our clients will come to us and be like, please help us. please support us. Food is medicine. We hear this all the time. Food is medicine. Renee little RD says food is not medicine. Medicine is important and it plays a valuable role in the treatment of many diseases and conditions, including mental health.
[00:36:54] Yes. Food can make us feel good, but it is not a treatment for schizophrenia. Bipolar affective disorder, depression or anxiety. There should be a hundred percent, no shame in taking medication. Medication improves many individuals quality of life, and in some circumstances can be life saving. So let's drop any stigma around medication and stop the myth that it can be replaced by good
[00:37:24] nutrition.
[00:37:25] Hmm, this is coming from a dietician.
[00:37:29] Angie Yu: Food is not medicine. Medicine is medicine.
[00:37:34] Kristy Yee: It's not to say that it's not to say the food doesn't have an important role and it's not just, and it's not to say that medicine is the only way. There are many, many different ways and many different things that we need to include in our lives to help us support and manage whatever it is that we need.
[00:37:55] To manage, right. It's never one sided. It's like fucking. You would never put all of your eggs into one stock. Okay. Fucking diversify your portfolio,
[00:38:04] Angie Yu: diversify your chickens. You would never put all your eggs in one stock. So diversify your chickens.
[00:38:12] Kristy Yee: So, you know, you want, you want support from a little bit of everything.
[00:38:16] And then as long as everything at the end of the day, balances out, right then you're overall living a healthy, balanced lifestyle. That's what it's medicine. And with food and with exercise and with social
[00:38:30] Angie Yu: therapy, socialism,
[00:38:31] Kristy Yee: socialism
[00:38:32] Angie Yu: will save lives. Oh my God. Please don't go. Well, it kind of does. I mean, Canada, uh, let's not, uh, we don't want to be too political on this show, but I mean, we, we do have certain political stances and one of the things that I do really appreciate about Canada is.
[00:38:49] Our access to healthcare is a bit more universal. Yes. It's not perfect. I know it's not perfect, but
[00:38:55] Kristy Yee: it's leaning towards the socialist end of things. And you know,
[00:38:57] Angie Yu: you know what I'm, , I'm, I'm grateful for the health services that I have had access to. I know that's not the case for everyone, but I'm grateful for what I
[00:39:08] Kristy Yee: had.
[00:39:09] Food is food. Medicine is medicine. We need both in our lives. In whatever capacity it may be. That's right. For
[00:39:16] Angie Yu: you to diversify your chickens. That's right. That's right. yeah, actually we've had a lot of serendipitous moments, you know. Do you remember when that, um, when we first saw each other at the living room series event, shout out to our living room series event, friends, you know, Steve Gordon, Angela
[00:39:34] Kristy Yee: Yes. LRS globe at LRS global on
[00:39:37] Angie Yu: Instagram. that morning I remember was I was having a good week that week. Like I was in a better mood than usual, and I was able to get out of bed pretty easily that day.
[00:39:46] So if it just for context, like before I got better. Maybe for the last three years or so, it has taken me on average about an hour or two to get out of bed, to get myself into the
[00:39:59] shower.
[00:40:00] Kristy Yee: That
[00:40:00] sounds like depression.
[00:40:01] Angie Yu: Yeah. Which I was just like, I'm just lazy. I'm just a lazy motherfucker. That's why I can't get out of bed.
[00:40:05] Kristy Yee: And I wonder how many more people think that way also. Yeah. That they just displace or misinterpret Their behavior as laziness.
[00:40:15] Angie Yu: And
[00:40:15] my therapist said, there's no such thing as laziness. So yeah. So, you know, if you think you're doing something because you are quote unquote lazy, according to a mental health professional, there is no such thing as laziness.
[00:40:31] There's always something else behind it. Anyway. So I'm not an expert, but you know, Just re quoting some of the rephrasing, some of the stuff I've learned in therapy. Uh, but yeah, that day when we were at the living room series event, I had a good day. I got out of bed within like 20 minutes, took a shower.
[00:40:33] I ended up going to this. Fireplace. That was quite significant to me.
[00:40:36] Kristy Yee: I remember that.
[00:40:37] Angie Yu: Yes. And I just went in alone. This was a place that I used to go with my ex and I just went in alone. And one of the things I really miss about living in Asia is being recognized by your neighborhood noodle shop and them knowing what you want to order.
[00:40:48] Like, I really miss that. So I, I, it was really close to, um, Steve's. I hope I can say it anyway. It was really close to the event. And so I just decided to drop by, cause I had 30 minutes before the event started and I walk in the owner, recognized me, gave me, was like pointed out a table that I've sat on many times before I sat down, he was like, number three.
[00:40:59] I'm like, yes, I love that small extra chicken. Thank you. And like, it just, it was just one of those moments where I was like, I like myself.
[00:41:09] Kristy Yee: What a place to be.
[00:41:11] Angie Yu: not posting this link because I don't want this place to go viral, but you have to, for selfish reasons, I won't take you there. Maybe one day I divulge what I'm talking about, but like for selfish reasons, It's keep certain
[00:41:28] Kristy Yee: hole
[00:41:29] Angie Yu: in the walls
[00:41:29] Kristy Yee: as holes, right? You don't want to make fucking giant craters out of them.
[00:41:34] No.
[00:41:34] Angie Yu: And also like, this is so egotistical of me because this is assuming that we would go viral. I'm like, I don't want this restaurant to go viral because we're going to go viral
[00:41:44] Kristy Yee: on the internet now. And do you just have to accept these things?
[00:41:46] Angie Yu: Okay. Alright. We could have fans that's right. Yeah. Thank you.
[00:41:50] That was a quote from episode one. You don't know. And should we could have fans
[00:41:56] Kristy Yee: see. We have people quoting us
[00:41:58] Angie Yu: or any yeah. I'm quoting us, take that away. Okay. Anyway, so back to the chicken, I mean, back to the,
[00:42:07] we were talking about eggs and chicken,
[00:42:10] Kristy Yee: it's all, it's all about the mental health stuff, right? So this is clearly what we find priority in our lives is the chicken noodle shops and the eggs.
[00:42:23] Angie Yu: Yeah. I mean, we're Chinese food is. The epitome of our culture. That's right. It's a huge cornerstone of our culture.
[00:42:30] I don't know. I'm just naming random keywords now back to the chickens, back to the chickens. Um, yeah, so anyway, I was having a great day and then I arrive at the event and I'm in a good mood. And we end up talking about, um, depression quite a bit. Like another person at the event talked about their depression.
[00:42:46] I talked about my depression and. And you were there. And I had this moment where I don't even
[00:42:53] Kristy Yee: know we were going to like each other was going to be there. Right.
[00:42:56] Angie Yu: We didn't know we were going to, this was like the second or third of man where we bumped in each other, into each other. I want to knock events.
[00:43:03] Kristy Yee: I was not expecting to,
[00:43:04] Angie Yu: like, we did not make plans to go together. serendipitous, you know, Christie, you and I are meant to be, it's just, you just can't
[00:43:11] Kristy Yee: fight fate.
[00:43:12] Angie Yu: You know, you cannot, you have
[00:43:13] Kristy Yee: to lean into it. This is ride the wave.
[00:43:16] Angie Yu: This is our destiny. Um, . Um, Back to the story. Um, so I remember pulling out my notebook and I wrote something in there because I just felt this in the moment, like talking about my depression.
[00:43:31] Cause I taught this was the first time that I told strangers I had depression. And, um, yeah, it was a big moment. And I wrote in my journal, like at the event, I had to write down my thoughts and I was like for the first time, I feel like my hands are on the wheel again. Oh my God. Like Jesus take the wheel.
[00:43:56] No, not like that, but like, if I could come up with an analogy to describe how my life has been for the last 20 years, I would say that I have been floating through life
[00:44:09] Kristy Yee: and mean by that.
[00:44:10] Angie Yu: I don't ever, I have never felt like I had control over my life and the direction of my life. I felt like there was always something that was bigger than me that had inhibited me from quote, unquote, becoming who I wanted to be.
[00:44:28] You know, like all those self help books, like be who you want to be, be the best version of you. And to me, that always sounded like fluffy bullshit. Like really bad diarrhea, poop,
[00:44:41] and
[00:44:42] Kristy Yee: you don't want it to be floating that's when you have fat
[00:44:44] Angie Yu: malabsorption. Oh,
[00:44:46] Kristy Yee: anyway,
[00:44:48] Angie Yu: some stool analysis there for ya bonus information. You never did. You know that our podcasts came with some stool analysis. You probably know our
[00:44:58] Kristy Yee: podcasts came with some shit.
[00:45:00] Angie Yu: Oh, right. We don't tell them. Oh, damn
[00:45:04] Kristy Yee: circle.
[00:45:05] Angie Yu: Destiny. I tell you. Oh yeah. Okay. God, I'm doing that thing again. I'm overcompensating. I'm overshooting because I'm about to talk about something really. That's a
[00:45:21] Kristy Yee: really good
[00:45:22] Angie Yu: analysis. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let me finish telling the story. Then we can make the joke. He jokes. Okay. So for the last 20 years of my life, I felt like I've been kind of floating on this ship and the ship looks fine.
[00:45:40] It looks like any other ships, but I didn't have control of the ship. And I would look around, you know, the sea, the ocean, the open water, and I will see everyone driving their ships. What are you, what do you do to a ship? Do you drive
[00:46:01] Kristy Yee: it? Steer it. I was going to say steer, but it seems like that's, you know, when you go left and right.
[00:46:08] Not forward,
[00:46:09] Angie Yu: I'm sure you can still steer it somehow. But that's what I mean, though. Like, I, we were, I'm still going forward. I'm still
[00:46:16] Kristy Yee: a part of this timeline.
[00:46:18] Angie Yu: Like the ship is still moving because I'm moving. Like I'm still growing older. I'm still part of this life. Like I'm just going with the wind. But everyone else is able to steer their ship into the direction that they want.
[00:46:31] And I felt like I didn't have control over that. And I was just a passenger in my own life. Hm,
[00:46:36] Kristy Yee: Whoa, Whoa, passenger in your own life. It's like, hold on. Let that sit for two seconds.
[00:46:45] That is depressing, but also. I could see how many people are just passengers of their own lives without even knowing.
[00:46:57] Angie Yu: Is that depressing? Yeah, that's what my life was. I just felt like a passenger on my own ship. Like I could not, when that analogy came into my head, it was kind of like, Whoa, like, Holy shit, this is how my life has been.
[00:47:08] And I just thought it was normal. Because that's what I knew. I knew this as my own life and I thought that was normal, but yet I always knew that there was something wrong, but I couldn't see it. There was something wrong with the ship, but I couldn't, I didn't know what it was wrong. I didn't know why I couldn't steer my ship.
[00:47:17] Look around. I would look around me and everyone would be steering their own ship, but I couldn't steer my own ship. But I also
[00:47:25] Kristy Yee: wonder when you look around and it looks like. Other people are staring their own should be that too. It might not be. Maybe they might just be riding the wind
[00:47:33] Angie Yu: also. Yeah. Which is why this is such a good analogy, Pat myself on the back.
[00:47:39] Um, and then when I kind of fully embraced my diagnosis, it was like I diagnosed what was wrong with my shit. And even though I can't fix it because it has been broken for so long and it's just something that came with the ship. It is a little bit harder for me to steer a little bit harder for me to set sail each and every day, but that's my ship.
[00:47:44] And I finally, came to accept that that was my ship, but at least now I know that it's harder for me to steer the ship or it's harder for me to assess sale, whereas a little bit like I know what the problem is, at least now I can. Manage it, I can be the captain of my own ship, even if it is a broken ship, even if it's not the most efficient, the best ship out there, at least I'm my own captain.
[00:48:04] Kristy Yee: And that in itself is so powerful because when you don't know what's happening, That's when it's the most out of control. It's not the fact that you don't actually have your hands on the steering wheel. It's the fact that you didn't even know that a steering wheel should exist and that you didn't know.
[00:48:21] I didn't have a steering wheel. That's right. So a lot of times we feel like, Oh, we need power and then we need to take over and we need to do all that stuff. Sure. But
[00:48:31] Angie Yu: there's also power in just
[00:48:32] Kristy Yee: knowing what exactly is the problem so that you know how to manage it. Sometimes it's not about fixing it, but just knowing that that's the thing.
[00:48:41] Yeah. So now I, I know this is what I need to manage.
[00:48:41] Angie Yu: That's right. And at least I can be aware of things like, Hey, I'm still learning how to steer my own ship. So I may be a little bit behind some other people who learn that they can steer their ship a little bit earlier on, but that's okay because. I'm still moving.
[00:48:49] Everyone's still moving. We're all still headed down this river, which is kind of a sad analogy because in a lot of Eastern myths, you know, in Miyazaki movies and a lot of Chinese folklore crossing the
[00:49:03] Kristy Yee: river means. When you, when you get to the other side of the river, you
[00:49:08] Angie Yu: get to the other side means you're dead.
[00:49:10] That's right. So we're all just kind of, you know, drifting along on this river, which is, I know us so depressing, such a depressing analogy, but enjoy the scene. It's beautiful.
[00:49:19] Kristy Yee: Exactly. We're all going to die.
[00:49:21] Angie Yu: Okay. Okay.
[00:49:23] Kristy Yee: Well, at least
[00:49:24] Angie Yu: you're being gentle with it.
[00:49:27] Kristy Yee: We're all going to die. Okay. So just enjoy the ride, look at the scenery, manage whatever it is you need to manage on your ship because not everybody else's ship may look like it's perfect.
[00:49:40] There's always something wrong with it. And we just all need to kind of manage what it is, figure out what it is, manage it, and then stay in our own lane. I mean, now we're talking about cars, but.
[00:49:40] Angie Yu: Yeah, don't ruin my analogy. I know, I know
[00:49:40] stay in your own. Um, I don't know your water,
[00:49:40] Kristy Yee: your water current,
[00:49:40] Angie Yu: but we're all on
[00:49:40] Kristy Yee: the same current, but that doesn't make sense.
[00:49:40] Basically. Everybody has their own shit. It might look like nobody. Everybody's got it together. And you're the only one with a leaky hole or without a steering wheel or,
[00:49:50] Angie Yu: and the leaky hole can mean both ship and shit.
[00:49:54] Kristy Yee: Wow.
[00:49:56] Angie Yu: I don't know if you're impressed by my, I just got
[00:49:59] Kristy Yee: really visual. It's all that.
[00:50:02] Okay. As a dietician, I talk about shit all day.
[00:50:05] Angie Yu: Oh, literally. I know you talk about shit as a passion project.
[00:50:09] Kristy Yee: Oh my gosh. Who Lee? I never thought
[00:50:12] Angie Yu: that shit. I
[00:50:15] Kristy Yee: talk shit literally during the day and I'm talk shit figuratively at night.
[00:50:19] Angie Yu: It really suits you. I love it. Yeah.
[00:50:21] Kristy Yee: I just, Oh my God. That's like my
[00:50:23] Angie Yu: brand shit
[00:50:27] Kristy Yee: and I fully embrace all the shit.
[00:50:30] Angie Yu: I bring my wife, sorry. I totally interrupted you
[00:50:31] Kristy Yee: anyways. I think this is a good spot to wrap up for today.
[00:50:36] Yeah. What were some of our takeaways? Okay. We're going to go backwards. The ship thing,
[00:50:41] Angie Yu: the ship thing yet. Um, I'm just
[00:50:42] Kristy Yee: going to say it again. Everybody's got their own shit. Okay. We're all on this ship together. Well, no, you're all in your own ship. There might be some, some problems with it. You're going to have to find out whether
[00:50:55] Angie Yu: everyone's ship has
[00:50:56] Kristy Yee: everybody has got it.
[00:50:57] If you look around, it looks like everyone's having a good time. In control, the ship looks beautiful, but you don't know what's going on inside and they don't know what's going on in yours to figure out what that is. And then either fix it or manage it.
[00:51:12] Angie Yu: That's right. And then we're all gonna die.
[00:51:14] Kristy Yee: And then we're all gonna enjoy the scenery together.
[00:51:16] Yeah. The other takeaway is your diagnosis
[00:51:20] Angie Yu: or my diagnosis in this case is not a death sentence. It doesn't mean that you're going to have a shitty life just because you have. Depression or if you have diabetes or anxiety or any of those, whatever it is that humans get, I can speak firsthand that having depression is not a death sentence.
[00:51:40] There have been fatal cases, but it's something that there are lots of people out there. Lots of professionals who. Specialize. And who are experts in helping you manage your own depression? Like they have with mine. So for myself, I found that a combination of antidepressants to kind of, you know, um, help with my symptoms and then CBT consistent CBT.
[00:51:56] Kristy Yee: I think that brings us to the next point is that medicine is medicine and that it's okay to have medicine. If you choose to have that as part of your support system or your management team and that's okay. And food is food. Medicine is medicine. We need medicine, medicine saves lives. Yes. And then I think the last takeaway is that we're not defined by our diagnosis.
[00:52:21] Regardless. If that's a mental health or physical health, you are not your diagnosis. That's
[00:52:28] Angie Yu: right. You are not
[00:52:29] Kristy Yee: the disease. And then furthermore to that is that mental health and physical health and emotional health are all equally important. And one does not. Trump, the other. So let's start changing that conversation so that we can have access to more support in mental health and emotional health, and also give ourselves permission to seek that support and accept the help that you need.
[00:53:00] Angie Yu: That's right.
[00:53:01] Kristy Yee: That's it. That's it. That's it really we'll wrap up our episode for today. Um, next episode. We will be talking more about,
[00:53:07] Angie Yu: um, her moms. Oh my God. Yeah, fuck. Yeah. the episode that Christie is really, really, really looking forward
[00:53:15] Kristy Yee: to, I want to do it
[00:53:18] Angie Yu: well too bad because now you owe it to all of our fans to talk about it.
[00:53:25] we can start you off with
[00:53:26] Kristy Yee: something easy into the discomfort,
[00:53:29] Angie Yu: lean into a I'm really excited because I've had to talk about some pretty uncomfortable shit for these past few episodes. And now we get to talk about something that makes Christie squirm.
[00:53:40] Kristy Yee: See you guys in the next episode.
